Tag Archives: Trips

i do

I am knee deep in wedding season.

I love weddings! The flowers, the music, the food….oh and the booze…

I may or may not have eaten one too many crab cakes, that then may or may not have resulted in my dress literally ripping off of me.

Hulking out at it’s finest.

I don’t care. That deliciously breaded concoction from the sea was worth my soon to be meeting with a tailor to replace said zipper….I mean the zipper I may or may not have to replace.

Garters and Veils,
Swan

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we don’t need no stinking badges

This place knows nothing of Facebook, cell phones, or MAC foundation.

Who am I to go against the grain.

 
Hey, Smalls, you wanna s’more?
Some more of what?
No, do you wanna s’more?
I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
You’re killing me Smalls!

Outhouses and Mosquitos,
Swan

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my inner goddess says ‘oh my’

I realized that I never posted any of my statue of liberty pictures. The shame.

Or my graduation. Double shame.

My current playlist titled “July 2012”, for obvious reasons, is as follows:

It’s Time – Imagine Dragons
Ho Hey – The Lumineers
Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men
Even if it Breaks a Heart – Eli Young Band
Give Your Heart a Break – Demi Lovato
As Long as You Love Me – Justin Bieber
Above the Water – Rocky Votolato
Take a Walk (The M Machine Remix) – Passion Pit
Lost in My Mind – The Head and the Heart
Gold on the Ceiling – The Black Keys
Hold On – Alabama Shakes

…yes I am an equal opportunity employer.

Current Dislikes:
– The winner of Design Star
– The fact that I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey

Oh and this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Current Likes:
– The winner of Food Network Star
– The fact that I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey

Oh and this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Worlds most random post? Perhaps. But I’m sure I’ll outdo myself in the future.

Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey,
Swan

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what happens in vegas stays in vegas

….unless you write it down and post it to the internet.

 

Las Vegas is a glorious place to go if you are attempting to completely transform into a total jackass.

Is that statement a little bold? Let me explain.

 

While on “the strip” I concluded that I was in a land of broken dreams and irresponsible life choices.

Life choice #1 – Baking in the sun while lounging next to some overpriced hotel.

Who doesn’t want to get skin cancer and spend $16 on a drink while listening to the Real Housewives of Las Vegas yell at their husbands in the shallow end of a pool that I’m sure every 7-year old peed in?

Life choice #2 – Drinking too much, too often.

Who doesn’t want a liver transplant and a series of blackout moments followed by day of hangover symptoms? Which then can only be cured by having another drink…or so I’m told.

Life choice #3 – Wearing heels and clothes that are too small.

Back problems and body suffocation are direct results of the above actions. Sure these items are a good idea in theory, but I have yet to find a woman who would rather wear this than some sneakers and a sweatshirt. I believe this is self inflicted pain as well because I’m certain no one cares how defined our calves are.

Life choice #4 – Spending too much money on things you don’t need.

Gambling has a support group for a reason. However, buying a water bottle for $5 could also send someone into a downward spiral, along with $18 tacos, and $40 pictures taken with the men from Thunder from Down Under.

Life choice #5 – Not getting enough sleep

Sleep is the only thing that makes people function normally, take it away and your likelihood of doing any of the other poor life choices listed above is exponentially increased.

 

Which brings me to the hard evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Me: Enjoys lathering up with SPF 50 while sitting in the sun for approximately 2 hours

Vegas Me: Soaked up an overcast sky for 6 hours with a meager singular application of SPF 30

 

Real Me: Hits the hay at 9pm

Vegas Me: 2 to 4am was my bitch

 

Real Me: Two alcoholic beverages and I am Done-zel Washington

Vegas Me: I’d be willing to bet a half bottle of Vodka was consumed….within an hour

 

Real Me: Buys a comfy pillow-top for my mattress and meticulously washes my sheets

Vegas Me: Throws up all over mattresses that then need to be replaced by hotel maid staff

 

Real Me: Despises roast beef

Vegas Me: Ordered the Beef and Cheddar sandwich, swallowed it whole, and then wondered when my taste buds had changed so drastically

 

Real Me: Wears Old Navy flip flops…. how can you beat a shoe that cost less than some packets of gum

Vegas Me: Wore ¬†heels on the regular while dancing to hip hop I’d never heard

 

Real Me: Goes to bars occasionally

Vegas Me: Got kicked out of Tao for trying to sleep in a stairwell

 

Real Me: Consumes soda from a McDonald’s straw

Vegas Me: Consumes vodka from a phallic straw

 

Real Me: Watches shows on Fox Family (omg can you believe we still don’t know who A is on PLL!)

Vegas Me: Watches Thunder from Down Under while critiquing the aussies dance moves….*ahem* not other things.

 

 

No I didn’t lose a tooth, steal a tiger, or marry a stripper. However, Vegas and I shall be parting from our partying ways.

I’ll only return to soberly see Celine perform My Heart Will Go On at Caesar’s Palace while wearing jeans.

 

 

Bottle Service and Maid Service,

Swan

 

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red. white. blue.

Fourth of July in Las Vegas was filled with fireworks, smoked ribs, whipped cream liquor, and family. Be jealous.







Roman Candles and Margaritas,
Swan

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a pair of sandwiches could single-handedly eliminate world hunger

Here’s the view from Top of the Rock in New York…

Pretty neat right? I was a big fan.

Ok, I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I went to Carnegie Deli in New York.

This place was recommended by my elderly best friend on the train ride from Philadelphia.

This place is no joke. To back track for a second, everywhere you go in New York rushes you. When you are a person that looks to make educated decisions and take your time, this can be incredibly frustrating. Carnegie Deli was no exception. We both frantically picked a sandwich completely naive and with no direction. I knew something was terribly wrong when we had to pay in cash and the bill was around $50….for two sandwiches. I felt like we had just made an illegal drug deal.

Were the sandwiches covered in gold sesame seeds and blessed by the Dalai Lama?

For that price they better be.

We were handed a large industrial strength bag filled with our sandwiches. Once we opened the butcher paper cradling our sandwiches our mouthes gapped in horror…

 

Biggest. Sandwiches. Ever.

We weren’t paying for gold encrusted seasoning, we were paying for entire animals, 3 blocks of cheese, and an entire loaf of bread.

After we force fed ourselves like the little boy in Matilda…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…we begrudgingly went back to our hotel to nap.

I did not have a cupcake this day, Carnegie Deli was like an uninvited lap band surgery.

Pastrami and Pickles,

Swan

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poop is modern art

Prior to hitting up the NFL Draft, buying Dr. Scholl’s inserts, and eating another cupcake…the MOMA happened.














And then there’s these artistic gems.

Warhol and Lichtenstein,
Swan

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david bowie designed the met

Hooray, I’ve finally graduated!

someecards.com - Allow me to take some pressure off your job search by informing you that no one's hiring

However, I’m channeling a snail with my vacation posts, so I’m a little behind.

Today I’d like to discuss the awesomeness that is Central Park. Not only does this park make me think of Kevin McCallister running away from burglars and befriending a bird lady, it also reminds me that crazy New Yorkers dig nature too.

Yes, it is beautiful.

Yes, it is a fun place to frolic.

Yes, it has a castle in it.

We spent our time gawking at the turtles in Turtle Pond (how did they ever come up with that name?), touring the magnificent castle where I pretended to be a Disney princess, and getting lost on our way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art a.k.a. hell on earth.

Why would I say such a horrible thing about this world-renowned museum? I’ll tell you why:

1) As I mentioned in a previous post, I wore cowboy boots this day so my feet were wondering when I was going to succumb to the pain and just rip them off.
2) I propose a re-name of The Met to The Labyrinth. Every time we’d walk into a different section we wondered if we were actually going the right way. Somehow we’d keep going right, logic would say this results in a circle, however, we never ended up in the same room we started. We missed entire sections of the museum due to its shotty layout. I also propose implementing arrows on the ground like Ikea does or perhaps a yellow brick road.
3) There needs to be more food and drink! I seriously felt like I was back at Warped Tour 2003, in the blazing heat with no water and scrounging for dolla dolla bills on the ground in order to hydrate. Except in the Met there is only one area that I found where people could up their blood sugar. I felt like Jesus in the desert…Lent style.
4) If you advertise Degas there better be some fucking ballerinas.

This is how I felt when I realized we were only half way through the first floor of this ginormous museum.

Here are some of the exhibits we actually saw luckily going right got us somewhere, sometimes…


and the obligatory cupcake…

a girl needs sugar after being deprived of all sustenance

Sugar and Statues,
Swan

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littlefoot just wants to reach the great valley where there are plenty of tree stars

Do you enjoy looking at fake animals and prehistoric dinosaur bones?

Good. You will enjoy the wonderful pictures I took at the Museum of Natural History.

Prior to that, I’d like to share 9 things I learned while on vacation that in hindsight I would have enjoyed knowing before getting on a jet plane.

1) Oddly enough the east coast seems to think toilet seat covers aren’t a necessity. Perhaps I have a new butt fungus, perhaps I don’t, things are still fermenting.

2) Cowboy boots are not a fashioneable or practical piece of footwear while in New York and walking 60 blocks.

3) Staking claim on the armrest on a plane is not rude, it’s survival. If you don’t do it the other guy will, and then you’ll be elbowed in the hip during your 4 hour flight.

4) The subway is not scary when you take it during the day and you’re not panicking about switching lines.

5) People in New York do not like to wait for anything. Why they have crosswalks I’m not sure.

6) Security lines for monuments are no joke. Perhaps wearing silver chains and sweatshirts with a¬†thousand zippers isn’t wise because then they’ll make you take off your shoes and treat you like a terrorist.

7) When someone tells you, “These sandwichs are so New York” that’s code for “These sandwiches contain an entire pig, 10 slices of bread, and require reinforcement underneath them to prevent the thick paper bag and butcher paper from ripping.”

8) Eating prior to entering the Met is a necessity, because walking that museum is like running a marathon, and their cafe is simply not sufficient enough to satiate all of it’s eager dwellers.

9) Get used to telling people no. Most corners have someone trying to sell you something. This ranges from horse and carriage rides to fake Louis Vuittons beautifully displayed on dirty sheets.

On to the museum of Natural History extravaganza…

Petrie and Spike,
Swan

P.S. I am currently dancing around my house to Carly Rae Jepsen. If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right.

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trusting captain america

While on vacation I ate a lot of cupcakes.

It was glorious.

So from Philadelphia we took the train over to New York City. I had never been on a train before. I was sort of a hot mess trying to figure out what to do. I panicked and started asking elderly people which side we should be standing on. They should know right? They are wiser after all.

They were not helpful. I got responses like, “Your guess is as good as mine sweetheart.” As if the sweetheart softens the blow that they have failed me.

Somehow we ended up on the right train. There weren’t any seats left together so I ended up sitting next to another elderly woman. She chatted me up the whole time. We were practically BFF’s by the end. She was going to visit her granddaughter’s school for grandparents day. I was telling her where I was going, and that I had never been on a train.

She took me under her wing. My faith in the elderly had returned.

She told me I should go to a famous deli in New York called Carnegie Deli. I wrote it down obediently. More on that experience later.

I told her I was afraid I’d miss my train stop! She said she’d shove me off the train when it was time, so I had no need to worry.

Finally! I could relax and pretend I was going to Hogwarts.

At my stop, I bid my farewells to my new bestie. My husband and I got off the train and entered the honking streets of New York, where cars try to hit pedestrians and every block has someone on the street corner trying to sell you a double decker bus ride.

After we found our hotel next to the Scientology building we were able to do some sight seeing.

The Empire State Building was our first stop! Exciting for those of us who aren’t afraid of heights.

Times Square at night is pretty interesting. Minus the French people.

I especially enjoyed that Captain America took our picture because we didn’t trust that anyone else wouldn’t run off with my camera. This way we could tell the police “He was dressed like a superhero!”. I feel like that’s easier to track down.

Much more on a later date…

Cupcakes and Captain America,
Swan

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