Tag Archives: Television

pumpkin, chickadee, and chubbs

Well it’s been a while. I’ve been livin’ la vida loca Ricky Martin style and haven’t had a chance to post.  However, there are more important things to discuss.

Exhibit 1:

Honey Boo Boo has her own show, and like a car wreck I can’t turn away. I’ve watched three episodes and so far Honey Boo Boo has gotten a pet pig named Glitzy, received an ultra sound of her belly, made a redneck water slide with a tarp, and participated in a mud pit belly flop contest.

It’s pure genius.

June, her mother, also itches her fleas at one point. You can’t make this shit up. It reminds me of the first season of Jersey Shore. That season was so amazing because they were so ridiculous and they were oblivious that people were laughing at them, not with them. I likened it to a show about gay men in the middle of San Francisco. But, I’ll settle for a show about rednecks in the south.

Exhibit 2:

All I’m going to say is ‘am I the only person who thinks perhaps this woman wasn’t the best spokesperson?’ I have a co-worker who believes one eye is larger than the other, whereas I just believe she talks funny.

Call me critical, and let’s just leave it at that.

Fleas and Pleas,

Swan

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what happens in vegas stays in vegas

….unless you write it down and post it to the internet.

 

Las Vegas is a glorious place to go if you are attempting to completely transform into a total jackass.

Is that statement a little bold? Let me explain.

 

While on “the strip” I concluded that I was in a land of broken dreams and irresponsible life choices.

Life choice #1 – Baking in the sun while lounging next to some overpriced hotel.

Who doesn’t want to get skin cancer and spend $16 on a drink while listening to the Real Housewives of Las Vegas yell at their husbands in the shallow end of a pool that I’m sure every 7-year old peed in?

Life choice #2 – Drinking too much, too often.

Who doesn’t want a liver transplant and a series of blackout moments followed by day of hangover symptoms? Which then can only be cured by having another drink…or so I’m told.

Life choice #3 – Wearing heels and clothes that are too small.

Back problems and body suffocation are direct results of the above actions. Sure these items are a good idea in theory, but I have yet to find a woman who would rather wear this than some sneakers and a sweatshirt. I believe this is self inflicted pain as well because I’m certain no one cares how defined our calves are.

Life choice #4 – Spending too much money on things you don’t need.

Gambling has a support group for a reason. However, buying a water bottle for $5 could also send someone into a downward spiral, along with $18 tacos, and $40 pictures taken with the men from Thunder from Down Under.

Life choice #5 – Not getting enough sleep

Sleep is the only thing that makes people function normally, take it away and your likelihood of doing any of the other poor life choices listed above is exponentially increased.

 

Which brings me to the hard evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Me: Enjoys lathering up with SPF 50 while sitting in the sun for approximately 2 hours

Vegas Me: Soaked up an overcast sky for 6 hours with a meager singular application of SPF 30

 

Real Me: Hits the hay at 9pm

Vegas Me: 2 to 4am was my bitch

 

Real Me: Two alcoholic beverages and I am Done-zel Washington

Vegas Me: I’d be willing to bet a half bottle of Vodka was consumed….within an hour

 

Real Me: Buys a comfy pillow-top for my mattress and meticulously washes my sheets

Vegas Me: Throws up all over mattresses that then need to be replaced by hotel maid staff

 

Real Me: Despises roast beef

Vegas Me: Ordered the Beef and Cheddar sandwich, swallowed it whole, and then wondered when my taste buds had changed so drastically

 

Real Me: Wears Old Navy flip flops…. how can you beat a shoe that cost less than some packets of gum

Vegas Me: Wore  heels on the regular while dancing to hip hop I’d never heard

 

Real Me: Goes to bars occasionally

Vegas Me: Got kicked out of Tao for trying to sleep in a stairwell

 

Real Me: Consumes soda from a McDonald’s straw

Vegas Me: Consumes vodka from a phallic straw

 

Real Me: Watches shows on Fox Family (omg can you believe we still don’t know who A is on PLL!)

Vegas Me: Watches Thunder from Down Under while critiquing the aussies dance moves….*ahem* not other things.

 

 

No I didn’t lose a tooth, steal a tiger, or marry a stripper. However, Vegas and I shall be parting from our partying ways.

I’ll only return to soberly see Celine perform My Heart Will Go On at Caesar’s Palace while wearing jeans.

 

 

Bottle Service and Maid Service,

Swan

 

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let them out of the vault, walt

Last week Beetle and I were flipping through our 900 television channels trying to find a suitable distraction (because let’s face it, the 75 hours of recorded TV was of no interest).

Luckily we stumbled upon the trusty Disney Channel, and Beauty and the Beast was on. Instantaneously we both squealed with excitement and settled in for the long haul.

Side Note: The Disney Channel had some really great entertainment back in the day. Oh you want examples? How about Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, The Thirteenth Year, Johnny Tsunami, and Brink! This was before they started producing shit like The Cheetah Girls.

Moving on..

It’s amazing what emotions 80s and 90s era cartoons will evoke! This got me thinking about all of the well-deserved winners who’ve made my Disney Superlatives list. No, I’m not embarassed. Beetle chimed right in when I started justifying my opinions, hence I know at least one other person who appreciates this astonishing use of time. The red wine might have helped too.

Best Castle: Beast

First of all, it’s huge. The shots from the outside show it’s vast square footage, it’s simply remarkable. Plus, who wouldn’t want talking inanimate objects pouring you tea and fluffing your pillow? All of this, plus a huge ballroom with an amazing mural, and a library that doesn’t institute late fees, make it the clear winner.

 

 

Saddest Scene: When Dumbo has to say goodbye to his mom

So the Beetle hasn’t seen this. I thought it would be wise to find this clip on YouTube and force her to watch it. I did. We both cried, out loud, hysterically. It wasn’t a good look. This could have been the wine as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Representation of Beetle in Disney Form: Belle

“I would totally be Belle because she’s smart and weird.” -Beetle

 

Best Representation of Swan in Disney Form: Ariel

“I would totally be Ariel because she’s fiery and defiant.” – Swan

 

Best Pet: Nana

How helpful! Does your dog get you water and give you medicine? Mine sure doesn’t. Plus she is completely committed to Michael, Wendy, and John…even though they leave her to go frolick in Neverland with Peter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Shoes: Cinderella

I know this goes without saying, but I’m saying it. Shoes made out of glass: totally impractical and uncomfortable. However, they sparkle brilliantly. I’m sold.

 

Most Bland Princess: Aurora

I suppose I have no justification for this one, she just isn’t memorable to me. I enjoy her love of animals, but that is a knock off of Snow White. I enjoy her beautiful gown, but Cinderella really owns that category. Aurora needed her own unique tagline. Maybe poisoned spinning-wheels were just too much to fathom as a child, but poisened apples were totally believable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The list could go on and on, so consider this Part I.

I miss the way Disney used to be, and know they will never get back to that magical place. So, like a Doomsday Prepper, I am snatching up Disney Classics when they are let out of the vault, creating my own cartoon kit, and will be forcing them upon my own children some day.

Princes and Princesses,

Swan

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are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch

In my humble opinion there have been some really good new television shows this season. So good in fact they may warrant their own post, but for now I plan to list them along with what keeps me coming back to that glorious little light box called a television to tune in.

New Girl is the Cat’s Pajamas.

Hello Jess~

We may be long lost besties.

1) I enjoy wearing fun dresses too

2) I had Disney characters on my checks (not baby farm animals, but equally amazing I think)

3) Um Glasses…awesome

4) I had a serious relationship with knitting at one point as well

5) I thoroughly enjoy being comforted by a warm blanket on my lap

 
Once Upon a Time is the Sardine’s Whiskers.
 
 
 
I am loving this show right now. I love trying to figure out who each person in Storybrooke actually is in the Fairy Tale world. It is a total guilty pleasure that brings me back to my childhood. I can imagine I’m watching all of my favorite Disney classics again, only reimagined. I was especially intrigued by the Snow White and Prince Charming tale at first but now they are painting them into adulterers. Which in their defense certainly is a different way to look at it.
 
Dear ABC~
 
There is one thing I absolutely must address: Please stop referencing Rumpelstiltskin, he’s creepy. I don’t like how he’s always around. Fix that.
 
 
Smash is the Clam’s Garters.
 
 
When I saw the previews for this I was skeptical. However, like the doting American I am, I watched the Pilot. I loved it.
 
Katherine McPhee was lukewarm on my list of actresses, but now I kind of like her. Blame it on my upcoming trip to NY, or  my love of dancing, or perhaps it was the Broadwayified Helvetica show title. Regardless, if you’re not watching this start immediately.
 
ABC and NBC,
Swan
 
 
 Fun fact of the day:
 
“The cat’s pajamas” does indeed mean “the hottest new thing” or “great, wonderful”. According to Stuart Berg Flexner’s “Listening to America” (1982), “the cat’s pajamas” was one of a number of nonsense phrases invented in the flapper period, often on the template of combining an animal, the more unlikely the better, with a part of the human body or an article of clothing. Thus “the cat’s pajamas” seems to have inspired a rash of similar phrases also meaning “excellent,” including “the bee’s knees,” “the clam’s garters,” “the eel’s ankles,” “the gnat’s elbow,” “the pig’s wings” and my personal fave, “the sardine’s whiskers.” While none of these phrases or dozens of other have any intrinsic logic (don’t go looking for an eel’s ankle, in other words), the formula does have the advantage of nearly infinite variation, and one can easily imagine a hipster of the day poring over zoology textbooks in search of ever more exotic species with which to wow the gang. Courtesy of The Word Detective
 
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a dollar makes me holler

There are things I witness in every day life that make me fear for society as a whole.

1) When parents feed their children candy for dinner (I’ve seen this in real life…I’m convinced these children no longer have teeth)

2) When people say they are going to Tweet things.

3) When the local radio station plays the same 10 songs repeatedly, and the lyrics go a little something like this “She had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, the whole club lookin at her, she hit the floor, next thing you know, shawty got low low low low low low low low”.

4) When cartoon figures start to look more like japanese anime.

5) When Starbucks intstituted the Trenta.

6) When buying Double Fiber AntiOxident Enriched Low-Calorie bread costs more than Whole Wheat Bread.

7) When people stopped wearing pants in public.. .you know who you are.

8) And last but not least…Honey Boo Boo Child.

 

Alana should really sit down with Sophia Grace and Rosie for a little lesson in Etiquette. Emily Post would be horrified.

(be patient…ignore the advertisement…it’s worth it)

 

America I’m worried.

Honey Boo Boo and Tutu,
Swan

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myopia to mammals

Growing up I couldn’t see. Literally.

My mother didn’t know I had vision problems until I smacked into the corner of a wall, cracked my head open, and had to be rushed to the emergency room.

After that, the fact that I sat so close to the television made sense. It’s one of those chicken and egg predicaments, which came first? Mothers always say “Don’t sit so close to the television it will ruin your eyes!” However, in my case, I sat so close because otherwise it was all a blur.

I prefer to think I looked like this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…not this.

(My obsession with Poltergeist and 101 Dalmations for that matter is a different post for a different day)

Don’t cry just yet, this story gets happier.

So anyway my mother finally wised up, got me some spectacles with pink jewels in the corners, and sent me out into the world to explore.

So to celebrate my vision, I thought I’d share my top 3 television animal influences of my childhood. I realize this is an odd segue…from vision to animals on TV, but to me it makes perfect sense.

1) Lassie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lassie was the shit. Lassie always found Timmy, even if he was in a well, and on top of that Lassie helped me understand the concept of time. My parents would say “Grandma will be here in 2 Lassie episodes”. That is legit parenting if you ask me because I totally understand what they meant, and it was an excuse to weatch more Lassie.

2) Milo and Otis

(2 animals technically, but there is no one to complain to about this so I guess it will have to fly)

So who can argue with the fact that Milo and Otis are adorable. I loved that they were so different, but still besties. I didn’t like when they got seperated, but I did enjoy seeing them create their own individual animal families. Seriously who can resist a pug and an orange cat? Not me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve collected Milo and Otis look-alikes for my own pets.

3) Mister Ed the Talking Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Admittedly I can’t remember details of this show, but I do remember liking it. I was deep in a My Little Pony phase though which could have contributed to my attachment to Mister Ed, but I guess I’ll never know. How did they get him to move his mouth with the words? Magic.

All of this leads me to my final point. Vision, animals, and happiness go hand in hand. I feel like this should be a Humane Society plug minus the depressing Sarah McLachlan music.

 

 

 

 

 

Lucky and Carol Ann,
Swan

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i know i can make it through

If you’ve seen Degrassi: The Next Generation then you know:

 a) it was awesome,

b) it had many actors that moved on to become relatively famous,

c) this was surprising because the acting wasn’t very good,

d) lastly it’s lack of boundaries kept you coming back.

This glorious TV drama was set in Canada, and had so many characters you could barely keep track of who people were dating or what their special talent was. One week we’d discover that someone played the guitar, and the next week we’d discover that someone was a model. What glamorous Canadian lives.

In fact some of them disappeared with no explanation whatsoever…


Who weathered the Degrassi storm to see better days?

Nina Dobrev played Mia Jones…a.k.a. the new girl with the baby.

Notable Events:
* Came to Degrassi from Lakehurst a year before the merge
* Dated J.T.
* Was the center of the pointless dispute that led to Lakehurst thugs murdering J.T.
* Battled Holly J for the love of Sav
* Reunited with Lucas, Isabella’s father
* Nearly lost her daughter after Lucas’s party was busted by the police
* Was scouted by a modeling agency; became the new face of T-Bombz
* Almost failed out of school
* Dumped Peter for keeping in touch with Darcy, then got back together with him

Typical Quote:
“Mean girls are just like three year olds, distracted easily by flattery and shiny things.”

Now Nina spends her time on The Vampire Diaries set, as an overly dramatic, hyper mature, vampire loving doppleganger.

Then there’s the oh so lovable Jimmy Brooks played by Aubrey Graham…a.k.a. the guy in the wheelchair.

Notable Events:

*Seen as the school basketball star
*Comes from a wealthy family
*His longtime best friend is Spinner Mason
*Oh yeah, and he was shot by a gunman at school…which paralyzed him

Now he goes by Drake. Some people Anyone who has access to public radio or Mtv has heard his name. Yes it’s unfortunate that he’s friends with Nicki Minaj, but we’ll forgive him because he’s also friends with Lil Wayne.

Then there’s slutty Darcy who loved the Lord.


Darcy was played by Shenae Grimes.

Notable Events:
* Teamed up with the rest of the Spirit Squad to break Paige’s ankle when she dissed Manny
* Introduced Spinner to the Friendship Club, Jesus, and forgiveness
* Found out Spinner had sex with Manny, ended up in a smackdown with her
* Convinced Spinner to revirgify himself, then dumped him when she found out he had sex with Paige
* Posed for sexy pictures taken by Peter
* Posted said pictures on the Web and picked up a cyber-stalker
* Seduced Peter in the nurse’s office
* Moved to Kenya to do charity work

Typical Quote:
“Sometimes you need to be evil to fight evil.”

Nowadays she’s in a different zip code, 90210.

No I don’t mean this…

I mean slutty, new 90210…

Where the characters don’t eat, and they run people over with their cars.

Oh Degrassi, even though your show was horrible, I couldn’t turn away. I just had to know if Paige was going to get in trouble for wrecking Spinner’s new car, or if Liberty would get over her Dysgraphia, or if Manny would really steal Ashley’s man.

Now that it’s all said and done, I’m glad we had our time together, but I must move on to more mature television…

…like 90210 and The Vampire Diaries.

Sorry and About (Canada style),

Swan

p.s. Drake I’ll forgive you for this lyric:

“I love Nicki Minaj, I told her I’d admit it
I hope one day we get married just to say we fucking did it
And girl, I’m fucking serious, I’m with it if you with it
‘Cause your verses turn me on, and your pants are mighty fitted”

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gym. tan. laundry.

I watch shows that no grown woman should ever watch.

I bet you didn’t know that Silver is dating the recently divorced man who adopted Adriana’s baby, that Snooki is denying cheating on Gianni with The Situation, that Blair is still in love with Chuck and feels like she can’t be with him because of a promise she made to God, or that “A” was harassing Allison before she ever texted Spencer, Aria, Hanna, and Emily.

It’s weird. I consider myself a smart person. I generally enjoy, what I would argue, are good movies. I try to read thought provoking books. Yet somehow I drop the ball when it comes to primetime entertainment.

There was a glimmer of hope when I started investing my time into American Horror Story. However, everyone died, and a giant intellectual void formed when the season finale aired. True story: the show gave me nightmares, but at least I was questioning and thinking about more than where the clothes were from.

Song of the day:

Baby Girls and Eels,

Swan

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don’t be cra cra

Current likes:

1) Some new dresses I ordered off of Modcloth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) My new jewelry holder…(thank you husband for hanging my antlers for me).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3) This obnoxious video, that in reality isn’t even that funny, but I literally laugh out loud when I see it. If this makes me weird I’m prepared for that label.

Current dislikes:

1) People who say “Cra” instead of Crazy (check out 0.38, well I mean you could watch the whole thing if you really wanted to, but I don’t want to foster stupidity)

2) The fact that I can’t Gleek out this week. (Am I the only one who feels like this show is never on?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enough nonsense. I must go watch more Big Bang Theory re-runs. I’m that cool.

Sheldon and Leonard,
Swan

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