Tag Archives: Sister Love

i do

I am knee deep in wedding season.

I love weddings! The flowers, the music, the food….oh and the booze…

I may or may not have eaten one too many crab cakes, that then may or may not have resulted in my dress literally ripping off of me.

Hulking out at it’s finest.

I don’t care. That deliciously breaded concoction from the sea was worth my soon to be meeting with a tailor to replace said zipper….I mean the zipper I may or may not have to replace.

Garters and Veils,
Swan

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we don’t need no stinking badges

This place knows nothing of Facebook, cell phones, or MAC foundation.

Who am I to go against the grain.

 
Hey, Smalls, you wanna s’more?
Some more of what?
No, do you wanna s’more?
I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
You’re killing me Smalls!

Outhouses and Mosquitos,
Swan

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caulk wagon and float it across

This past Saturday the Beetle and I went for a intense run leisurely walk by the river. This was especially fun for us because we used to live by the river.

See doesn’t that look peaceful? Now imagine sidewalks, apartment buildings, and a few pieces of trash.

 

I used to run this river path often so I felt the need to be a tour guide for the Beetle. I commented on the “old man” who would water his roses religiously, the Hispanic clan who’d play soccer in their apartment parking lot, and the drug dealers who  lived behind my old apartment.

This clearly is an upstanding part of town. 

My suggestion for withstanding similar living arrangements is a) grow a pair, b) take some Karate lessons from Mr. Miyagi.

(Warning: You may have to paint a fence or wash cars)

More importantly, Beetle and I used to live right on the river. Or as we liked to call it… Bum Mecca.

My two favorite bums were:

1) Cat man – a man who rode his bike around with all of his shit attached to the back of it. His cat would sit on top of his piles, balancing like a tight rope walker. What a loyal feline.

2) Skirt Man – It’s like it sounds. Except skirt man would appear in all different places and he would never talk, just stare. Creepy? Perhaps if he wasn’t wearing a skirt.

This past Saturday the Beetle and I saw Skirt Man again! However, he was sans skirt and had rather impressive luggage. Good for him!

 

Anyway, this blast from the past made me reminisce about river memories.

 

1) My first river memory involves a frantic call from the Beetle late at night (I happened to not be at the apartment, maybe I was in the middle of a tv show marathon, maybe not).

After a while I started to gather what had happened to her. She was enjoying a leisurely evening at home on the couch. The sliding glass door was open, allowing for a glorious summer breeze. She had noticed a rather sketchy character passing the walkway outside our apartment door, but thought nothing of it, this is river territory after all. Weirdos were a dime a dozen. Anyway, unexpectedly this man came up to the screen door (open to allow for the glorious breeze mind you) and started masturbating. Understandably, the Beetle jumped to her feet and slammed the glass door not on any appendages. She called the unhelpful police to report her horrific endeavor, and then called me presumably to give me a good laugh. How thoughtful.

2) My next river memory involves a detour I had to take to get to my apartment.

I was upset that I had to take this round about way to my apartment just because the street closest to it was closed. Later I found out it was closed because they found a body. I was unaware I lived near a filming of CSI.

3) My last river memory involves me on a run.

This one is short. At the end of my run I had the pleasure of witnessing a homeless man (not Cat Man or Skirt Man) shitting into a plastic bag. I get it. Your options are limited.  

I hope I’m painting this river picture for you Bob Ross style. Lots of happy trees and a feeling that you could jump right in and live there.

No?

Well whatever, suit yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, the river is a nice place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

Unless you enjoy cats and wear skirts. Check.

But also enjoy the possibility of stumbling upon a corpse while stepping in shit. Uncheck.

Rivers and Riff Raff,

Swan

p.s. Don’t Google bums. I’ve sufficiently warned you.

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you claim to be taller, but i think the ruler is just broken

Why is my sister cooler than everyone?

1) She can make a meal out of refried beans, lettuce, and broken taco shells.

2) She thinks animals are cooler than most people, so she goes out of her way to save as many as she can.

3) She sometimes goes out on a Tuesday, at 2am, just so she can dance.

4) She’s not ashamed to drink beer out of a bag while holding a penis straw.

5) She knows Barbie water beds are just zip lock bags filled with water, inside a Barbie tent made out of pillows.

6) She likes to run with me…sometimes…if the weathers nice….and she’s not tired.

7) She asks me for my opinion regarding her apartment and it’s level of haunting, because she agrees that I am ghosty gifted.

8) She humors me at Christmas, allowing me to force everyone to open one present at a time. It may take 4 hours, but damn it we savor the moment.

9) She naively went around our childhood neighborhood unknowingly calling our racist cat’s name, and still hasn’t forgiven our father for telling us our bunnies ran away when they were really driven to west sacramento, set free, and probably eaten by some Vietnamese grandma.

10) She knows how to finish this sentence. Camp Anawana we hold you in our hearts, and when we think about you, it makes me wanna…

Happy Birthday Beats on the Streets!

You smell of pickle juice and tea tree oil. That is badass.

Barney and Lambchops,
Swan

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fierce

New camera means new pictures with my trusty, overpaid models.

Tyra and Elle,
Swan

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but i’m stuck in colder weather

Birthday lessons…

1) I’m too old to drink shots…especially 2 in a row.

2) Charity events usually have really good food.

3) Bringing your dog into random businesses isn’t a problem, as long as you act unapproachable so that no one questions you on your blindness.

*It’s currently a snowy day, so I must bundle myself up under a blanket, eat leftover birthday cake, and keep Eleanor from eating speaker wires.

Cake and Candles,
Swan

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i am the cute one, she’s just my sister

“You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore?” Why yes Andrew Largeman, yes I do.

More importantly, isn’t it depressing the day you realize your parents don’t know everything.
For me that day was long ago, and I’ve been trying to recuperate ever since.

Amongst this chaos the Beetle and I found each other.

You see the Beetle and I weren’t always besties.
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In fact I think we kind of despised each other. High School is a tricky time for all…right? Anyway, at some point we decided that hanging out with each other was pretty legit.

We could help each other maneuver our parents and talk about how cute our jackets were at the same time.

I’m pretty sure the rest of our family thinks we’re weird, after all we can’t definitively pick a hair length or color.
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So Beetle, here are ten reasons you’ve become the beats on the streets…

1) If we were to get into a gang fight in an alley, you’d be there to spout off obscenities and attempt to throw punches.

2) You’re the only person that truly wants to understand the saying, “the cheese stands alone”.

3) You’re the only person who understands me when I make Homeward Bound or Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen references.

4) You like to watch Lifetime while drinking wine.

5) You are petrified of ghosts like me, yet you record Celebrity Ghost Stories, and Ghost Adventures.

6) You think wearing sparkly shoes is awesome.

7) Your road rage is even worse than mine.

8) If the only thing to watch on TV was music videos you’d have no complaints.

9) You like my bear sweater (which by the way other people made fun of me for).

10) You really want to get one of those princess crowns with the ribbon coming down the back from the fair….and wear it around.

Keep on keeping on.

Spice Girls and Barney,
Swan

p.s. My pug just farted on me.

p.p.s. What up Papalaroogoo! Happy day of birth!

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boom shalack-alack, boom shalack-alack

So here’s the thing…we think we are hilarious. Luckily, we’ve decided all of this needed a place to be documented. We will enjoy this, we hope you do to.

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Mermaids and Unicorns,

Beetle and Swan

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