Tag Archives: Pets

we don’t need no stinking badges

This place knows nothing of Facebook, cell phones, or MAC foundation.

Who am I to go against the grain.

 
Hey, Smalls, you wanna s’more?
Some more of what?
No, do you wanna s’more?
I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
You’re killing me Smalls!

Outhouses and Mosquitos,
Swan

Tagged , , , , ,

mo’ money, mo’ problems…unless you’re a garbage man

Red Roses are the poster child of Valentine’s Day.

Just accept the obligatory pic of Eleanor.

Since I work in an office environment, and Valentine’s Day fell on a weekday, I was subjected to the parading of bouquets.

Yes, I realize it is now April. No, I do not care that this post is two months past due.

To get back on track, this year the unthinkable happened.

One of my co-workers received a bouquet with just enough far too many carnations and too many not enough roses. Naturally her husband felt slighted by the florist.

someecards.com - It's not what you do for me on Valentine's Day that matters but the amount of jealousy it provokes in others

This my friends was the birth place of the all-encompassing term: Carnation Catastrophes.

A Carnation Catastrophe is something people deem as a significant inconvenience, when in reality no one gives a shit. Let’s be real, some people are swatting flies off their ration of bread. So the fact that my IPhone is slower than a stay at home mom allowing her child to order at Starbuck’s, doesn’t really reach to the higher levels of significance. Side note: Mark my words, I will not allow my children to make decisions that most adults find difficult, especially during the morning rush with a line out the door.

So what are some examples of a carnation catastrophe? Well I’m glad you asked.

  • My Mercedes is in the shop, so I can’t drive to Whole Foods everyday to purchase my special bread. Beetle, are suffering from PTSD? P.S. I want my bread sliced, and where are your free samples, and why can’t I just buy half a loaf, and I understand it’s Sperlonga Saturday, but can’t we pretend it’s Cranberry Walnut Wednesday! 
  • My house is too warm from the heater at night so I have to sleep with the fan on and it keeps me awake. Yes I know. I should have just turned down the heater, but we had company, and frankly I’d sleep on an ice cap if you let me because I enjoy being cold at night. Bring on the earplugs.

You get the idea.

So what are some examples of real catastrophes?

  • Human remains found on a waste management conveyor belt at the recycling center. Just when you think the world couldn’t get weirder, it surprises you with this Monday morning headline as you drink your Grande coffee….after you waited in line because of the indecisive 7-year old.
  • Charles Manson coming up on his parole. I have no words. I literally had nightmares for weeks based on a documentary I saw about Manson’s escapades. Yes you are correct, that is a euphemism. 

So spread the filler flower love.

I like to think of it as a reminder that I really have no reason to complain. My husband is notorious for telling me “Life’s good!” during my self imposed stressful situations. While it drives me insane, I appreciate his approach.

So taking a page from the “Manual on How to Live Life Like a Care-Free Man” I’ll do my honest best to keep from cursing the world for the next 36 days until I obtain my Masters. Cry me a river, right?  Carnation catastrophe at it’s finest.

Oh, and someone buy the garbage man who found a body while sifting through recycled cans a Mercedes. He deserves it more than the bitch who’s schizophrenic about bread.

Ok, I swear I’m done complaining now.

Foliage and Garbage,

Swan

Tagged , ,

and it feels like i am just too close to love you

There’s a story of a lovely lady..

Who was bringing up four very lovely pets.

One of them had hair of gold, like their mother.

The youngest one in curls.

 

 

This song is featured in an Internet Explorer commercial. I literally watched it and thought “Why don’t I use Internet Explorer, it’s so cool?” I am gullible. I am ashamed. But I am addicted to this song during my car rides too and from the library and internship.

Marcia and Cindy,
Swan

Tagged , ,

lil’ weezy and the great galavant

I can understand why those primitive desert people think a camera steals their soul. It is unnatural to see yourself from the outside. – Nigella Lawson

Tumbleweeds and Chapped Lips,
Swan

Tagged ,

fierce

New camera means new pictures with my trusty, overpaid models.

Tyra and Elle,
Swan

Tagged , ,

gomez or gaga

Eleanor has two favorite songs.

I say her favorite song is Love You Like a Love Song by Selena Gomez, and Beetle says it’s Marry the Night by Lady Gaga. Either way Eleanor has incredible taste, even though these songs have two very different messages. Either Eleanor wants to lace up her boots, throw on some leather and cruise or she wants to keep hittin’ repeat -peat-peat-peat-peat. 

At the end of the day Eleanor wiggles to them both.

Who’s Eleanor?


Don’t you dare judge her. She’s just not very photogenic, but she’s got a great personality.

Furthermore, my February mix tape is growing and growing. Never mind the fact that February is over half way over. Details, details.

February Mix Tape

Grouplove – Slow
Passion Pit – Sleepy Head
Taylor Swift – Safe & Sound
The Kooks – Seaside
Grouplove – Goldcoast
Metric – Sick Muse
The Civil Wars – Barton Hollow
Air Traffic Controller – Bad Axe, MI
Grouplove – Tongue Tied
Matt Costa – Behind the Moon

Also, when it comes to music, can I rant about how depressing it is that Katy Perry’s new horrible song about her bitter divorce is #1 on iTunes. Meanwhile women like Adele and Whitney Houston are 2 and 3.

Also, have we all forgotten that Chris Brown assaulted a woman?  That’s worthy of a Grammy?

Lastly, Nicki Minaj sucks. Period.

Sticks and Stones,
Swan

Tagged ,

whistle while you work

It’s a lazy Sunday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I just finished reading the latest book by my favorite author.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was ok. I can’t wait for the Lifetime movie. Yeah I’ll watch it…as long as Tara Reid isn’t in it. In all honesty I think his best book was The Virgin Suicides. That movie = depressing, so don’t let that be your judgement meter. Sofia I love your wine, but your movies require a trip to Disneyland afterwards in order to recover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just don’t get starstruck when you see Snow White, and then have your husband take a picture of you with her strategically in the background instead of next to you.

Football and Pizza,
Swan

Tagged ,

just because i stay home on a saturday night doesn’t mean i’m a loser

There are two things that absolutely must be noted at this time,

1) I just got married.

2) I sort of definitely think my dogs are cooler than most people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now that I’ve cleared the air, these two songs currently make up my January 2012 Mix Tape.

Yes I still say Mix Tape. It’s completely acceptable because Wikipedia, the most accurate encyclopedia to reference, says a “mix tape usually reflects the musical tastes of its compiler, it can range from a casually selected list of favorite songs, to a conceptual mix of songs linked by a theme or mood, to a highly personal statement tailored to the tape’s intended recipient.”

In my old age my mix tape’s refer to the month I intend to listen to them in. Deep.

Pugs and Kisses,

Swan

Tagged ,
%d bloggers like this: