Tag Archives: Lists of Awesome Things

what happens in vegas stays in vegas

….unless you write it down and post it to the internet.

 

Las Vegas is a glorious place to go if you are attempting to completely transform into a total jackass.

Is that statement a little bold? Let me explain.

 

While on “the strip” I concluded that I was in a land of broken dreams and irresponsible life choices.

Life choice #1 – Baking in the sun while lounging next to some overpriced hotel.

Who doesn’t want to get skin cancer and spend $16 on a drink while listening to the Real Housewives of Las Vegas yell at their husbands in the shallow end of a pool that I’m sure every 7-year old peed in?

Life choice #2 – Drinking too much, too often.

Who doesn’t want a liver transplant and a series of blackout moments followed by day of hangover symptoms? Which then can only be cured by having another drink…or so I’m told.

Life choice #3 – Wearing heels and clothes that are too small.

Back problems and body suffocation are direct results of the above actions. Sure these items are a good idea in theory, but I have yet to find a woman who would rather wear this than some sneakers and a sweatshirt. I believe this is self inflicted pain as well because I’m certain no one cares how defined our calves are.

Life choice #4 – Spending too much money on things you don’t need.

Gambling has a support group for a reason. However, buying a water bottle for $5 could also send someone into a downward spiral, along with $18 tacos, and $40 pictures taken with the men from Thunder from Down Under.

Life choice #5 – Not getting enough sleep

Sleep is the only thing that makes people function normally, take it away and your likelihood of doing any of the other poor life choices listed above is exponentially increased.

 

Which brings me to the hard evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Me: Enjoys lathering up with SPF 50 while sitting in the sun for approximately 2 hours

Vegas Me: Soaked up an overcast sky for 6 hours with a meager singular application of SPF 30

 

Real Me: Hits the hay at 9pm

Vegas Me: 2 to 4am was my bitch

 

Real Me: Two alcoholic beverages and I am Done-zel Washington

Vegas Me: I’d be willing to bet a half bottle of Vodka was consumed….within an hour

 

Real Me: Buys a comfy pillow-top for my mattress and meticulously washes my sheets

Vegas Me: Throws up all over mattresses that then need to be replaced by hotel maid staff

 

Real Me: Despises roast beef

Vegas Me: Ordered the Beef and Cheddar sandwich, swallowed it whole, and then wondered when my taste buds had changed so drastically

 

Real Me: Wears Old Navy flip flops…. how can you beat a shoe that cost less than some packets of gum

Vegas Me: Wore  heels on the regular while dancing to hip hop I’d never heard

 

Real Me: Goes to bars occasionally

Vegas Me: Got kicked out of Tao for trying to sleep in a stairwell

 

Real Me: Consumes soda from a McDonald’s straw

Vegas Me: Consumes vodka from a phallic straw

 

Real Me: Watches shows on Fox Family (omg can you believe we still don’t know who A is on PLL!)

Vegas Me: Watches Thunder from Down Under while critiquing the aussies dance moves….*ahem* not other things.

 

 

No I didn’t lose a tooth, steal a tiger, or marry a stripper. However, Vegas and I shall be parting from our partying ways.

I’ll only return to soberly see Celine perform My Heart Will Go On at Caesar’s Palace while wearing jeans.

 

 

Bottle Service and Maid Service,

Swan

 

Tagged , , , , ,

you put so much care into your modern warfare

Today is my handsome husband’s birthday!

Below are some things I haven’t pulled the trigger on buying for him yet….but shhhh don’t tell him about anything because I may use these gift ideas in the future.

1) Mountain Dew scented XBox soap

2) Daniel Tosh Tickets

3) Abraham Lincoln T-Shirt

Happy Birthday to a man who could eat sushi everyday, wear V-neck T-shirts in an assortment of colors, and listen to Night Ranger on repeat.

Chiefs and Boxer Briefs,
Swan

Tagged , ,

ocd is the way to be

A few more days until New York.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notable things that have happened in the past week:

1) A mentally ill person told me I looked like a model. Well thank you kind sir, I’ll take that with a grain of salt.

2) I ate waaay too many refried beans. Need I say more.

3) I shared my New York itinerary with a co-worker. Then they asked me if I’m OCD, to which I vehemently denied and countered with the suggestion that I am simply organized.

4) I tried seeding the lawn. I’ve watered it religiously. Nothing has happened.

5) I gave a presentation summing up my Masters program. Luckily I didn’t faint, but I was too stressed to eat, hence #2 (I suppose that applies to both interpretations).

6) The dentist congratulated me on having no cavities, while telling me I might have gingivitis in the same breath. I told her it could possibly be the fact that I wore my retainers the night before. She seemed to humor me and say “Sure that could very well be it.”

7) I saw Florence and the Machine for free on a weeknight. Man I was living the crazy life.

8) I decided that I will not be seeing the movie The Lucky One because I’m super uncomfortable with the fact the actress looks so much older than Zac Efron. Deep, I know.

I’m ready for, and in need of a vacation.

 

Carry-ons and Cocktails,

Swan

Tagged , , ,

i’ll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

What do I do when I’m avoiding the inevitable trip to the library to do homework?

Well first I simply must drink 3 cups of coffee.

Then I must read the entire User’s Manual for the D5100.

Logically compiling April mix tapes follows, which segues right into my Top Five Favorite Albums. Keep in mind this is not necessarily favorite songs or bands, although they can go hand in hand. Furthermore this list does not include any Greatest Hits albums.

Now that the logistics are out of the way…

1) North – Something Corporate

I used to listen to this entire album on repeat when I would paint. Back when my greatest worry was whether or not I had a 4 or 5 hour work shift at the gym, and if my roommates would remember to unload the dishwasher. Those were the days! My school schedule consisted of Creative Writing and Yoga, and I had time to belt out “As You Sleep” while eating Chinese takeout.

2) Jagged Little Pill – Alanis Morisette

I wanted this album so bad when it came out. My dear mother I mean the Easter Bunny put it in my Easter basket when I was in 5th grade. That. Was. So. Cool. I put it in my sweet boom box on my dresser and meticulously memorized all the lyrics, even the cuss words. My dad enjoyed “Hand in my Pocket”, so I can attest to driving around in his Mustang appreciating the lyrical rhyme juxtaposition

3) Under the Cork Tree – Fall Out Boy

I remember when I bought this I didn’t even think I would like it. I just liked their weird music video with the deer. Then I realized it was clever writing, and Stump had a sweet voice. Wentz was odd, but I could forgive the band for that. Any band that can cleverly compare bed post notches, and lines in songs, is alright with me.

4) Riot! – Paramore

Similar to Under the Cork Tree, Riot! has clever lyrics and Hayley has an amazing voice. I’m a sucker for these two combined together. Call it my Peanut Butter and Jelly combination. Plus “crushcrushcrush” reminded me of another bitter female song I enjoyed so much, “You Outta Know.”

5) Transatlanticism – Death Cab for Cutie

Oddly enough I like to listen to this when I run. I’m a fan of this albums calming effect, and “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” is a favorite of mine. My husband always asks me if I’m depressed when I listen to this, but he is just a naysayer.

So with that, here’s some old ear candy to crunch on. I guess I woke up with a new month to greet me, and I wanted to revert back to old music.

April 2012 Mix Tape

Seasons – Good Charlotte
You’re So Last Summer -Taking Back Sunday
Silver and Cold – A.F.I.
Cute Without The ‘E’ – Taking Back Sunday
At Your Funeral – Saves The Day
Don’t Be So Hard – The Audition
Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don’t – Brand New
Alive With The Glory Of Love – Say Anything
My Friend’s Over You – New Found Glory
Number Five With A Bullet – Taking Back Sunday
There’s No ‘I’ In Team – Taking Back Sunday
Let It Enfold You – Senses Fail
Jude Law and a Semester Abroad – Brand New
Best of Me – The Starting Line
The Leaving Song, Pt. 2 – A.F.I.
Mixed Tape – Brand New

Not Iconic and Perhaps Ironic,
Swan

Tagged ,

let them out of the vault, walt

Last week Beetle and I were flipping through our 900 television channels trying to find a suitable distraction (because let’s face it, the 75 hours of recorded TV was of no interest).

Luckily we stumbled upon the trusty Disney Channel, and Beauty and the Beast was on. Instantaneously we both squealed with excitement and settled in for the long haul.

Side Note: The Disney Channel had some really great entertainment back in the day. Oh you want examples? How about Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, The Thirteenth Year, Johnny Tsunami, and Brink! This was before they started producing shit like The Cheetah Girls.

Moving on..

It’s amazing what emotions 80s and 90s era cartoons will evoke! This got me thinking about all of the well-deserved winners who’ve made my Disney Superlatives list. No, I’m not embarassed. Beetle chimed right in when I started justifying my opinions, hence I know at least one other person who appreciates this astonishing use of time. The red wine might have helped too.

Best Castle: Beast

First of all, it’s huge. The shots from the outside show it’s vast square footage, it’s simply remarkable. Plus, who wouldn’t want talking inanimate objects pouring you tea and fluffing your pillow? All of this, plus a huge ballroom with an amazing mural, and a library that doesn’t institute late fees, make it the clear winner.

 

 

Saddest Scene: When Dumbo has to say goodbye to his mom

So the Beetle hasn’t seen this. I thought it would be wise to find this clip on YouTube and force her to watch it. I did. We both cried, out loud, hysterically. It wasn’t a good look. This could have been the wine as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Representation of Beetle in Disney Form: Belle

“I would totally be Belle because she’s smart and weird.” -Beetle

 

Best Representation of Swan in Disney Form: Ariel

“I would totally be Ariel because she’s fiery and defiant.” – Swan

 

Best Pet: Nana

How helpful! Does your dog get you water and give you medicine? Mine sure doesn’t. Plus she is completely committed to Michael, Wendy, and John…even though they leave her to go frolick in Neverland with Peter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Shoes: Cinderella

I know this goes without saying, but I’m saying it. Shoes made out of glass: totally impractical and uncomfortable. However, they sparkle brilliantly. I’m sold.

 

Most Bland Princess: Aurora

I suppose I have no justification for this one, she just isn’t memorable to me. I enjoy her love of animals, but that is a knock off of Snow White. I enjoy her beautiful gown, but Cinderella really owns that category. Aurora needed her own unique tagline. Maybe poisoned spinning-wheels were just too much to fathom as a child, but poisened apples were totally believable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The list could go on and on, so consider this Part I.

I miss the way Disney used to be, and know they will never get back to that magical place. So, like a Doomsday Prepper, I am snatching up Disney Classics when they are let out of the vault, creating my own cartoon kit, and will be forcing them upon my own children some day.

Princes and Princesses,

Swan

Tagged , , ,

are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch

In my humble opinion there have been some really good new television shows this season. So good in fact they may warrant their own post, but for now I plan to list them along with what keeps me coming back to that glorious little light box called a television to tune in.

New Girl is the Cat’s Pajamas.

Hello Jess~

We may be long lost besties.

1) I enjoy wearing fun dresses too

2) I had Disney characters on my checks (not baby farm animals, but equally amazing I think)

3) Um Glasses…awesome

4) I had a serious relationship with knitting at one point as well

5) I thoroughly enjoy being comforted by a warm blanket on my lap

 
Once Upon a Time is the Sardine’s Whiskers.
 
 
 
I am loving this show right now. I love trying to figure out who each person in Storybrooke actually is in the Fairy Tale world. It is a total guilty pleasure that brings me back to my childhood. I can imagine I’m watching all of my favorite Disney classics again, only reimagined. I was especially intrigued by the Snow White and Prince Charming tale at first but now they are painting them into adulterers. Which in their defense certainly is a different way to look at it.
 
Dear ABC~
 
There is one thing I absolutely must address: Please stop referencing Rumpelstiltskin, he’s creepy. I don’t like how he’s always around. Fix that.
 
 
Smash is the Clam’s Garters.
 
 
When I saw the previews for this I was skeptical. However, like the doting American I am, I watched the Pilot. I loved it.
 
Katherine McPhee was lukewarm on my list of actresses, but now I kind of like her. Blame it on my upcoming trip to NY, or  my love of dancing, or perhaps it was the Broadwayified Helvetica show title. Regardless, if you’re not watching this start immediately.
 
ABC and NBC,
Swan
 
 
 Fun fact of the day:
 
“The cat’s pajamas” does indeed mean “the hottest new thing” or “great, wonderful”. According to Stuart Berg Flexner’s “Listening to America” (1982), “the cat’s pajamas” was one of a number of nonsense phrases invented in the flapper period, often on the template of combining an animal, the more unlikely the better, with a part of the human body or an article of clothing. Thus “the cat’s pajamas” seems to have inspired a rash of similar phrases also meaning “excellent,” including “the bee’s knees,” “the clam’s garters,” “the eel’s ankles,” “the gnat’s elbow,” “the pig’s wings” and my personal fave, “the sardine’s whiskers.” While none of these phrases or dozens of other have any intrinsic logic (don’t go looking for an eel’s ankle, in other words), the formula does have the advantage of nearly infinite variation, and one can easily imagine a hipster of the day poring over zoology textbooks in search of ever more exotic species with which to wow the gang. Courtesy of The Word Detective
 
Tagged ,

and I thought I loved you then

Oh husband of mine…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…you are the milk to my cookies.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

Need a Valentine’s card/gift idea? Hit up Etsy. Here are some of my favorites.

Even though my husband refuses to watch The Notebook with me, while talking about how romantic it is and crying, I guess he’s still pretty swell. I can only ask so much of him.

I hope everyone eats lots of chocolate, drinks copious amounts of red wine, and has a day filled with love.

See’s and Hallmark,

Swan 

 

Tagged
%d bloggers like this: