i’d rather poke out my eye than diy

Has anyone ever referred to you as the HGTV Hilter?

No?

I wish I could say the same.

 

Let’s take a trip back into time….way back…back to the end of escrow. It was a glorious Spring day, filled with chirping birds, blossoming flowers, and electric saws.

When buying a home I felt it important to keep an open mind, look past any flaws, and be willing to DIY the shit out of things. While this is good in theory, it’s a miracle my husband and I survived it because, you guessed it, I was referred to as the HGTV Hitler.

Barking demands left and right…at least this is what I’m told. It’s all honestly a blur. I blacked out like a trauma victim.

Within a few weeks of entering the house my husband and I, with a little more emphasis on the husband, tackled the following:

Repainting the kitchen cabinets
Removing the popcorn ceiling
Re-texturizing the ceiling
Removing all doors and closet doors, painting them, putting them back up
Ripping up the carpet
Installing (most of) the new flooring
Removing and replacing all window blinds
Fixing the hot water heater
Installing all new kitchen and laundry appliances

I think this is all of it…

This list is crazy and I’m the first one to admit it.

So, with all of that being said we’ve taken a little break (eh, a year and a half or so) from the house for a lot of reasons. However the main one being we were exhausted and didn’t have Jeff Lewis to help us…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…or David Bromstad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Considering the people I would have wanted to be our helpers, I suppose our big problem was that neither of us are gay males. This seems like a huge oversight on my part)

Things were good and lazy…until this past weekend.

We did the following:

Cleaned and organized the garage, Pulled weeds, Made 5 trips to the dump, Cleaned up probably a years worth of dog shit in the yard (I wish this could be an exaggeration or that I could be embarassed about it), Shopped for and put together a new bed frame and hall bathroom

 

After all of this we celebrated with copious amounts of beer, food, and laughter. Man we felt accomplished. You’d think we’d just freed slaves, or discovered fire.

I wish I could say this was the end of this long, drawn out tale. But alas, we are about to embark on a whole new level of home improvement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Johnathan Taylor Thomas, moare affectionately known as JTT, what ever happened to your acting career? I thought you surely were a shoe in at the Oscars after your stellar performance in Man of the House. Your emotion during the rain dance scene made me cry.

 

So anyway, we will be tackling the roof.

Yes, the part of our house that protects us from the elements.

Yesterday they delivered a dumpster to my front yard, ya know, for ‘roof garbage’ or whatever. I was having renovation PTSD. Hopefully I don’t go all Leutenant Dan on people and start shouting war commands like “Hand me the hammer!” or “Yeah, you heard me right, we’re painting everything…even the ceiling and I’m aware that’s inconvenient.”

Wish us luck. We will need it. We cuss a lot.

Nails and Epic Fails,

Swan

And as a side note: Dear HGTV, you are deceptive. It’s not easy or fun to be a ‘Weekend Warrior’. Home improvements suck. Home improvements are no walk in the park. Your shows are just as bad as the Pantene Pro-V commercials I would watch as a child. My hair never looked that smooth or satiny. You made me believe my house would look professionally put together on a paupers budget. Blasphemy. My house may never have baseboards or working electrical sockets. I’ve come to terms.

Tagged , , , ,

poop is modern art

Prior to hitting up the NFL Draft, buying Dr. Scholl’s inserts, and eating another cupcake…the MOMA happened.














And then there’s these artistic gems.

Warhol and Lichtenstein,
Swan

Tagged , , , ,

you put so much care into your modern warfare

Today is my handsome husband’s birthday!

Below are some things I haven’t pulled the trigger on buying for him yet….but shhhh don’t tell him about anything because I may use these gift ideas in the future.

1) Mountain Dew scented XBox soap

2) Daniel Tosh Tickets

3) Abraham Lincoln T-Shirt

Happy Birthday to a man who could eat sushi everyday, wear V-neck T-shirts in an assortment of colors, and listen to Night Ranger on repeat.

Chiefs and Boxer Briefs,
Swan

Tagged , ,

david bowie designed the met

Hooray, I’ve finally graduated!

someecards.com - Allow me to take some pressure off your job search by informing you that no one's hiring

However, I’m channeling a snail with my vacation posts, so I’m a little behind.

Today I’d like to discuss the awesomeness that is Central Park. Not only does this park make me think of Kevin McCallister running away from burglars and befriending a bird lady, it also reminds me that crazy New Yorkers dig nature too.

Yes, it is beautiful.

Yes, it is a fun place to frolic.

Yes, it has a castle in it.

We spent our time gawking at the turtles in Turtle Pond (how did they ever come up with that name?), touring the magnificent castle where I pretended to be a Disney princess, and getting lost on our way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art a.k.a. hell on earth.

Why would I say such a horrible thing about this world-renowned museum? I’ll tell you why:

1) As I mentioned in a previous post, I wore cowboy boots this day so my feet were wondering when I was going to succumb to the pain and just rip them off.
2) I propose a re-name of The Met to The Labyrinth. Every time we’d walk into a different section we wondered if we were actually going the right way. Somehow we’d keep going right, logic would say this results in a circle, however, we never ended up in the same room we started. We missed entire sections of the museum due to its shotty layout. I also propose implementing arrows on the ground like Ikea does or perhaps a yellow brick road.
3) There needs to be more food and drink! I seriously felt like I was back at Warped Tour 2003, in the blazing heat with no water and scrounging for dolla dolla bills on the ground in order to hydrate. Except in the Met there is only one area that I found where people could up their blood sugar. I felt like Jesus in the desert…Lent style.
4) If you advertise Degas there better be some fucking ballerinas.

This is how I felt when I realized we were only half way through the first floor of this ginormous museum.

Here are some of the exhibits we actually saw luckily going right got us somewhere, sometimes…


and the obligatory cupcake…

a girl needs sugar after being deprived of all sustenance

Sugar and Statues,
Swan

Tagged , , , , ,

littlefoot just wants to reach the great valley where there are plenty of tree stars

Do you enjoy looking at fake animals and prehistoric dinosaur bones?

Good. You will enjoy the wonderful pictures I took at the Museum of Natural History.

Prior to that, I’d like to share 9 things I learned while on vacation that in hindsight I would have enjoyed knowing before getting on a jet plane.

1) Oddly enough the east coast seems to think toilet seat covers aren’t a necessity. Perhaps I have a new butt fungus, perhaps I don’t, things are still fermenting.

2) Cowboy boots are not a fashioneable or practical piece of footwear while in New York and walking 60 blocks.

3) Staking claim on the armrest on a plane is not rude, it’s survival. If you don’t do it the other guy will, and then you’ll be elbowed in the hip during your 4 hour flight.

4) The subway is not scary when you take it during the day and you’re not panicking about switching lines.

5) People in New York do not like to wait for anything. Why they have crosswalks I’m not sure.

6) Security lines for monuments are no joke. Perhaps wearing silver chains and sweatshirts with a thousand zippers isn’t wise because then they’ll make you take off your shoes and treat you like a terrorist.

7) When someone tells you, “These sandwichs are so New York” that’s code for “These sandwiches contain an entire pig, 10 slices of bread, and require reinforcement underneath them to prevent the thick paper bag and butcher paper from ripping.”

8) Eating prior to entering the Met is a necessity, because walking that museum is like running a marathon, and their cafe is simply not sufficient enough to satiate all of it’s eager dwellers.

9) Get used to telling people no. Most corners have someone trying to sell you something. This ranges from horse and carriage rides to fake Louis Vuittons beautifully displayed on dirty sheets.

On to the museum of Natural History extravaganza…

Petrie and Spike,
Swan

P.S. I am currently dancing around my house to Carly Rae Jepsen. If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right.

Tagged , , , ,

you claim to be taller, but i think the ruler is just broken

Why is my sister cooler than everyone?

1) She can make a meal out of refried beans, lettuce, and broken taco shells.

2) She thinks animals are cooler than most people, so she goes out of her way to save as many as she can.

3) She sometimes goes out on a Tuesday, at 2am, just so she can dance.

4) She’s not ashamed to drink beer out of a bag while holding a penis straw.

5) She knows Barbie water beds are just zip lock bags filled with water, inside a Barbie tent made out of pillows.

6) She likes to run with me…sometimes…if the weathers nice….and she’s not tired.

7) She asks me for my opinion regarding her apartment and it’s level of haunting, because she agrees that I am ghosty gifted.

8) She humors me at Christmas, allowing me to force everyone to open one present at a time. It may take 4 hours, but damn it we savor the moment.

9) She naively went around our childhood neighborhood unknowingly calling our racist cat’s name, and still hasn’t forgiven our father for telling us our bunnies ran away when they were really driven to west sacramento, set free, and probably eaten by some Vietnamese grandma.

10) She knows how to finish this sentence. Camp Anawana we hold you in our hearts, and when we think about you, it makes me wanna…

Happy Birthday Beats on the Streets!

You smell of pickle juice and tea tree oil. That is badass.

Barney and Lambchops,
Swan

Tagged ,

trusting captain america

While on vacation I ate a lot of cupcakes.

It was glorious.

So from Philadelphia we took the train over to New York City. I had never been on a train before. I was sort of a hot mess trying to figure out what to do. I panicked and started asking elderly people which side we should be standing on. They should know right? They are wiser after all.

They were not helpful. I got responses like, “Your guess is as good as mine sweetheart.” As if the sweetheart softens the blow that they have failed me.

Somehow we ended up on the right train. There weren’t any seats left together so I ended up sitting next to another elderly woman. She chatted me up the whole time. We were practically BFF’s by the end. She was going to visit her granddaughter’s school for grandparents day. I was telling her where I was going, and that I had never been on a train.

She took me under her wing. My faith in the elderly had returned.

She told me I should go to a famous deli in New York called Carnegie Deli. I wrote it down obediently. More on that experience later.

I told her I was afraid I’d miss my train stop! She said she’d shove me off the train when it was time, so I had no need to worry.

Finally! I could relax and pretend I was going to Hogwarts.

At my stop, I bid my farewells to my new bestie. My husband and I got off the train and entered the honking streets of New York, where cars try to hit pedestrians and every block has someone on the street corner trying to sell you a double decker bus ride.

After we found our hotel next to the Scientology building we were able to do some sight seeing.

The Empire State Building was our first stop! Exciting for those of us who aren’t afraid of heights.

Times Square at night is pretty interesting. Minus the French people.

I especially enjoyed that Captain America took our picture because we didn’t trust that anyone else wouldn’t run off with my camera. This way we could tell the police “He was dressed like a superhero!”. I feel like that’s easier to track down.

Much more on a later date…

Cupcakes and Captain America,
Swan

Tagged ,

paddy’s pub: home of the original kitten mittens

I’m back from my relaxing hustle and bustle vacation.

Yes, I missed my every day life. After all I am a creature of habit.

However, it was lovely being a tourist, embarrassing my husband with my Asian inspired camera skills, and eating cupcakes on the regular.

The first stop on our itinerary was Philadelphia. I literally arrived delirious after watching copious amounts of Smash on my iPad, hopped in a cab, assured him I was 27 not 17, and off we went.

Philly, you treated us well, except for that late night stop at the ghetto night club.

There were two white people in the club, guess who they were.

One of them was dancing to Usher, guess who that was.

On to the photo montage…




Brotherly Love and Cheese steaks,
Swan

Tagged ,

ocd is the way to be

A few more days until New York.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notable things that have happened in the past week:

1) A mentally ill person told me I looked like a model. Well thank you kind sir, I’ll take that with a grain of salt.

2) I ate waaay too many refried beans. Need I say more.

3) I shared my New York itinerary with a co-worker. Then they asked me if I’m OCD, to which I vehemently denied and countered with the suggestion that I am simply organized.

4) I tried seeding the lawn. I’ve watered it religiously. Nothing has happened.

5) I gave a presentation summing up my Masters program. Luckily I didn’t faint, but I was too stressed to eat, hence #2 (I suppose that applies to both interpretations).

6) The dentist congratulated me on having no cavities, while telling me I might have gingivitis in the same breath. I told her it could possibly be the fact that I wore my retainers the night before. She seemed to humor me and say “Sure that could very well be it.”

7) I saw Florence and the Machine for free on a weeknight. Man I was living the crazy life.

8) I decided that I will not be seeing the movie The Lucky One because I’m super uncomfortable with the fact the actress looks so much older than Zac Efron. Deep, I know.

I’m ready for, and in need of a vacation.

 

Carry-ons and Cocktails,

Swan

Tagged , , ,

the world could use a few more pony parades

Flashback Friday

This is completely unacceptable.

Is it just me or do these creatures look demonic?

The blue one actually looks upset. How can you be upset with rainbow hair? The orange one might have pink eye, and the yellow one appears to have just heard the saddest news imaginable.

This is how My Little Ponies are supposed to look…

I truly wish my mother would have saved my pony herd. Allegedly, I had so many I’d create pony parades.

A pony parade: is a straight line of ponies, that move forward simply by grabbing the caboose pony and moving them all the way up to the front of the line. My mother claims these parades would stretch from room to room.

Clearly I was a genius, and so incredibly self-sufficient.

Similarly, I vividly remember fighting over a pink sparkly pony in Kindergarten. I also remember having a pony with flapping wings, one with a spinning tail, and one that changed colors in the water. Legit.

None of these creepy eyed, alien ponies trying to be sold to the youth of America. I refuse to buy them you know whenever I have a child or it’s a Friday night and I’m feeling nostalgic while watching Rescue From Midnight Castle.

 Moondancer and North Star,

Swan

Side Note: If this does not make sense I am sorry. You clearly have gone throughout life without knowing joy.

Moondancer is a Unicorn Pony who debuted in 1983 as part of the Second wave of the Generation 1 Toyline. Moondancer then made her brief appearance in the first My Little Pony Special Rescue From Midnight Castle. Moondancer is one of the four kidnapped ponies in Dream Valley during Scorpan’s raid. Out of the four, she is the only Unicorn Pony that was corrupted by Tirek’s Rainbow of Darkness in order to pull his chariot. She was reverted back to normal after Tirek was destroyed. She has a daughter named Baby Moondancer, who is very shy. She got kidnapped by Catrina along with the Rainbow of Light to be used as a ransom to force the Bushwoolies to go back to her.

North Star is an explorer Pegasus Pony with a strong British accent. She has a good sense of direction, though she can be easily frazzled. She has a daughter named Baby North Star, who is one of the first tooth ponies, in charge of taking care of the twins Baby Snookums and Sniffles and Baby Milkweed and Tumbleweed. Like the other baby ponies, she has one tooth and was involved in a feud against Fudgey McSwain and Rocky Ripple.

Tagged , , ,
%d bloggers like this: