what happens in vegas stays in vegas

….unless you write it down and post it to the internet.

 

Las Vegas is a glorious place to go if you are attempting to completely transform into a total jackass.

Is that statement a little bold? Let me explain.

 

While on “the strip” I concluded that I was in a land of broken dreams and irresponsible life choices.

Life choice #1 – Baking in the sun while lounging next to some overpriced hotel.

Who doesn’t want to get skin cancer and spend $16 on a drink while listening to the Real Housewives of Las Vegas yell at their husbands in the shallow end of a pool that I’m sure every 7-year old peed in?

Life choice #2 – Drinking too much, too often.

Who doesn’t want a liver transplant and a series of blackout moments followed by day of hangover symptoms? Which then can only be cured by having another drink…or so I’m told.

Life choice #3 – Wearing heels and clothes that are too small.

Back problems and body suffocation are direct results of the above actions. Sure these items are a good idea in theory, but I have yet to find a woman who would rather wear this than some sneakers and a sweatshirt. I believe this is self inflicted pain as well because I’m certain no one cares how defined our calves are.

Life choice #4 – Spending too much money on things you don’t need.

Gambling has a support group for a reason. However, buying a water bottle for $5 could also send someone into a downward spiral, along with $18 tacos, and $40 pictures taken with the men from Thunder from Down Under.

Life choice #5 – Not getting enough sleep

Sleep is the only thing that makes people function normally, take it away and your likelihood of doing any of the other poor life choices listed above is exponentially increased.

 

Which brings me to the hard evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Me: Enjoys lathering up with SPF 50 while sitting in the sun for approximately 2 hours

Vegas Me: Soaked up an overcast sky for 6 hours with a meager singular application of SPF 30

 

Real Me: Hits the hay at 9pm

Vegas Me: 2 to 4am was my bitch

 

Real Me: Two alcoholic beverages and I am Done-zel Washington

Vegas Me: I’d be willing to bet a half bottle of Vodka was consumed….within an hour

 

Real Me: Buys a comfy pillow-top for my mattress and meticulously washes my sheets

Vegas Me: Throws up all over mattresses that then need to be replaced by hotel maid staff

 

Real Me: Despises roast beef

Vegas Me: Ordered the Beef and Cheddar sandwich, swallowed it whole, and then wondered when my taste buds had changed so drastically

 

Real Me: Wears Old Navy flip flops…. how can you beat a shoe that cost less than some packets of gum

Vegas Me: Wore  heels on the regular while dancing to hip hop I’d never heard

 

Real Me: Goes to bars occasionally

Vegas Me: Got kicked out of Tao for trying to sleep in a stairwell

 

Real Me: Consumes soda from a McDonald’s straw

Vegas Me: Consumes vodka from a phallic straw

 

Real Me: Watches shows on Fox Family (omg can you believe we still don’t know who A is on PLL!)

Vegas Me: Watches Thunder from Down Under while critiquing the aussies dance moves….*ahem* not other things.

 

 

No I didn’t lose a tooth, steal a tiger, or marry a stripper. However, Vegas and I shall be parting from our partying ways.

I’ll only return to soberly see Celine perform My Heart Will Go On at Caesar’s Palace while wearing jeans.

 

 

Bottle Service and Maid Service,

Swan

 

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