Monthly Archives: June 2012

caulk wagon and float it across

This past Saturday the Beetle and I went for a intense run leisurely walk by the river. This was especially fun for us because we used to live by the river.

See doesn’t that look peaceful? Now imagine sidewalks, apartment buildings, and a few pieces of trash.


I used to run this river path often so I felt the need to be a tour guide for the Beetle. I commented on the “old man” who would water his roses religiously, the Hispanic clan who’d play soccer in their apartment parking lot, and the drug dealers who  lived behind my old apartment.

This clearly is an upstanding part of town. 

My suggestion for withstanding similar living arrangements is a) grow a pair, b) take some Karate lessons from Mr. Miyagi.

(Warning: You may have to paint a fence or wash cars)

More importantly, Beetle and I used to live right on the river. Or as we liked to call it… Bum Mecca.

My two favorite bums were:

1) Cat man – a man who rode his bike around with all of his shit attached to the back of it. His cat would sit on top of his piles, balancing like a tight rope walker. What a loyal feline.

2) Skirt Man – It’s like it sounds. Except skirt man would appear in all different places and he would never talk, just stare. Creepy? Perhaps if he wasn’t wearing a skirt.

This past Saturday the Beetle and I saw Skirt Man again! However, he was sans skirt and had rather impressive luggage. Good for him!


Anyway, this blast from the past made me reminisce about river memories.


1) My first river memory involves a frantic call from the Beetle late at night (I happened to not be at the apartment, maybe I was in the middle of a tv show marathon, maybe not).

After a while I started to gather what had happened to her. She was enjoying a leisurely evening at home on the couch. The sliding glass door was open, allowing for a glorious summer breeze. She had noticed a rather sketchy character passing the walkway outside our apartment door, but thought nothing of it, this is river territory after all. Weirdos were a dime a dozen. Anyway, unexpectedly this man came up to the screen door (open to allow for the glorious breeze mind you) and started masturbating. Understandably, the Beetle jumped to her feet and slammed the glass door not on any appendages. She called the unhelpful police to report her horrific endeavor, and then called me presumably to give me a good laugh. How thoughtful.

2) My next river memory involves a detour I had to take to get to my apartment.

I was upset that I had to take this round about way to my apartment just because the street closest to it was closed. Later I found out it was closed because they found a body. I was unaware I lived near a filming of CSI.

3) My last river memory involves me on a run.

This one is short. At the end of my run I had the pleasure of witnessing a homeless man (not Cat Man or Skirt Man) shitting into a plastic bag. I get it. Your options are limited.  

I hope I’m painting this river picture for you Bob Ross style. Lots of happy trees and a feeling that you could jump right in and live there.


Well whatever, suit yourself.










In the end, the river is a nice place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

Unless you enjoy cats and wear skirts. Check.

But also enjoy the possibility of stumbling upon a corpse while stepping in shit. Uncheck.

Rivers and Riff Raff,


p.s. Don’t Google bums. I’ve sufficiently warned you.

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how do you solve a problem like….Maria?

Ok, I’ve got something to say.

Roofing sucks.









I know it may seem like I dropped off the face of this earth. You wouldn’t be wrong. But believe me I wasn’t having a grand ole time. I wasn’t on vacation, and I wasn’t caught up in an 80’s movie marathon. I was doing the following:

1) Cleaning up an entire roof that my husband removed and shoved to the ground. Because of this the following also happened:

a) I needed to pull rusty nails from my flip flops. Yep, flip flops. Judge me.

b) My body was coated in what I like to call “an exfoliating granual.” This coating literally needed to be scrubbed off on a nightly basis, especially when SPF 50 acted as an unintended adhesive.

c) Nights passed with no dinner. This never happens to me. I’m always the person who wonders how people can forget to eat. Apparently I’m a hypocrite.












Onto another topic…

2) It was discovered that our roof base was inadequate and required a lot of reinforcement in order to actually hold people. Meaning these reinforcements needed to be completed before any roofing could actually commence. Twiddle thumbs now.

3) The paint man at Home Depot sold me indoor paint when I specifically said I needed outdoor paint….twice. Then we proceeded to paint all facial boards with indoor paint before we noticed. I blame Eleanor. She must have distracted him with her cuteness.

4) We had to rent nail guns because we nail things here, we don’t staple them. For the duration of time we had them we could have bought them. Good times.

5) My sweet angel dog (not the pug) bite my uncle three times.

6) During all of this I also worked a summer camp….for small ungrateful children. The following can be assumed based on this camp experience:

a) Risk is a horribly inappropriate game and no one should play it.

b) Sponge Bob Square Pants is kind of like Jesus. Everyone shuts up and listens to him.

c) Kids lose things….constantly….and then blame it on everyone around them.

d) Cake and Cocoa Puffs are not a suitable dinner.

e) Younger children hate to walk in the sun. Nay, younger children hate to walk.


7) I haven’t had a day off since June 3rd. My next day off will be June 23rd.

8) I had to change my e-mail password because somehow it got hacked….and I was too busy to notice. I had to be informed by my wedding photographer on Facebook. - I'm glad we're back in touch ever since I was spammed by your hacked email account.

Ok, enough. The point has been made.

Here are some positives from the past few weeks:

1) No one fell off the roof.

2) Children didn’t Vanish at summer camp like on Beth Holloway’s show.

3) I didn’t get sunburn (the same can’t be said for others).


I’m ready for some relaxation time. Soon we’ll be off to Vegas where I plan to drink lots of Sonic, eat lots of Jason’s Deli, and generally sweat my worries away.

Roofs and Risk,


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a pair of sandwiches could single-handedly eliminate world hunger

Here’s the view from Top of the Rock in New York…

Pretty neat right? I was a big fan.

Ok, I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I went to Carnegie Deli in New York.

This place was recommended by my elderly best friend on the train ride from Philadelphia.

This place is no joke. To back track for a second, everywhere you go in New York rushes you. When you are a person that looks to make educated decisions and take your time, this can be incredibly frustrating. Carnegie Deli was no exception. We both frantically picked a sandwich completely naive and with no direction. I knew something was terribly wrong when we had to pay in cash and the bill was around $50….for two sandwiches. I felt like we had just made an illegal drug deal.

Were the sandwiches covered in gold sesame seeds and blessed by the Dalai Lama?

For that price they better be.

We were handed a large industrial strength bag filled with our sandwiches. Once we opened the butcher paper cradling our sandwiches our mouthes gapped in horror…


Biggest. Sandwiches. Ever.

We weren’t paying for gold encrusted seasoning, we were paying for entire animals, 3 blocks of cheese, and an entire loaf of bread.

After we force fed ourselves like the little boy in Matilda…















…we begrudgingly went back to our hotel to nap.

I did not have a cupcake this day, Carnegie Deli was like an uninvited lap band surgery.

Pastrami and Pickles,


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it’s a crime that there are no pictures, forgive me

I’m feeling slightly old right now.

This morning I woke up to this “Blog Tag” game. I was having flashbacks to 7th grade e-mails where these types of lists would flood your inbox from all across the land or from the friends in your class. Here goes nothing.


1.  You must post the rules obviously

2.  Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post

3.  Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged

4.  Tag eleven people with a link to your post

5.  Let them know you tagged them

Here are the questions posted by I Can’t High Five and my much-anticipated answers:

What’s one city in the world that you’ve always wanted to visit and why?

I guess I’ve always wanted to visit a city in Germany like Munich. However, my recent trip to New York has caused me to swear off all international vacations…at least for a while.

What is your biggest fear?

Easy. My biggest fear is falling on my face and knocking a tooth out. I am constantly checking my teeth to make sure they are still in tip-top shape, as well as avoiding slippery surfaces or uneven pavement. It’s a hard knock life.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. I certainly believe in ghosts, but I believe I haven’t seen one because of the following facts: a) I think ghosts know I would literally pass out and die from fear if they appeared in front of me, b) I sleep with earplug in and my vision is that of a 90-year-old with cataracts

What is your guilty pleasure?

Well this changes all the time, but currently my guilty pleasure is watching re-runs of Vanished with Beth Holloway on Lifetime, while I drink Leinenkugel’s Berry Weiss, and play Family Feud on my iPad. I realize this statement may cause some people to feel bad for me. Fear not, I am pleased as punch with my free time choices.

If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what animal would it be?

A baby pig. I feel like this needs no explanation.

Are you a dog or a cat person?

Dog. I feel like this needs no explanation either.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

I’ve thought about this a great deal. I would want a superpower that allowed me to snap my fingers or spin around and then Bam! I’m somewhere else. This would allow me to travel for free, remove myself from scary or uncomfortable situations immediately, and eliminate expenses like car insurance.

What’s your favourite song of all time?

Oh shit, this is hard. I can’t answer this, I’m pleading the fifth.

When you were young, what did you plan to be when you grew up?

A ballerina. Then I found chocolate cake.

Chips and salad or roast potatoes and vegetables?

Chips and salad seems like an odd meal, so I’ll have to go with roast potatoes and vegetables.

If you won a million dollars, what would you do/buy first?

I’d buy a house outright. No mortgage for life would be sweet!

Ok, so I suppose I make 11 questions now…

What was the first concert you ever went to?

What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

Have you ever been on tv?

If someone wrote a book about your life, what would they title it?

Would you rather have super strength or super intelligence?

What’s your favorite website?

Where would you bury your treasure if you had some?

What’s your favorite room in your house?

What’s your favorite holiday?

Can you speak another language?

What’s your favorite ice cream topping?


Lastly, like the horribly traumatizing game of kickball, it’s hard for me to pick people to tag because frankly most of the people who read my blog are my own family. Shout out! So sorry, but you are being tagged. The rest of you are super cool too, I think…because honestly I’ve never met you.

The Fruity Chicken

The Eff Stop

Classic Confusion

Childhood Relived

Aimless Last Words

Ok…that’s it…I can’t come up with 11 because I don’t even read that many blogs because I’m too busy watching Lifetime while creating my own survival plan in case I get kidnapped.

Questions and Quotas,



i’d rather poke out my eye than diy

Has anyone ever referred to you as the HGTV Hilter?


I wish I could say the same.


Let’s take a trip back into time….way back…back to the end of escrow. It was a glorious Spring day, filled with chirping birds, blossoming flowers, and electric saws.

When buying a home I felt it important to keep an open mind, look past any flaws, and be willing to DIY the shit out of things. While this is good in theory, it’s a miracle my husband and I survived it because, you guessed it, I was referred to as the HGTV Hitler.

Barking demands left and right…at least this is what I’m told. It’s all honestly a blur. I blacked out like a trauma victim.

Within a few weeks of entering the house my husband and I, with a little more emphasis on the husband, tackled the following:

Repainting the kitchen cabinets
Removing the popcorn ceiling
Re-texturizing the ceiling
Removing all doors and closet doors, painting them, putting them back up
Ripping up the carpet
Installing (most of) the new flooring
Removing and replacing all window blinds
Fixing the hot water heater
Installing all new kitchen and laundry appliances

I think this is all of it…

This list is crazy and I’m the first one to admit it.

So, with all of that being said we’ve taken a little break (eh, a year and a half or so) from the house for a lot of reasons. However the main one being we were exhausted and didn’t have Jeff Lewis to help us…













…or David Bromstad.














(Considering the people I would have wanted to be our helpers, I suppose our big problem was that neither of us are gay males. This seems like a huge oversight on my part)

Things were good and lazy…until this past weekend.

We did the following:

Cleaned and organized the garage, Pulled weeds, Made 5 trips to the dump, Cleaned up probably a years worth of dog shit in the yard (I wish this could be an exaggeration or that I could be embarassed about it), Shopped for and put together a new bed frame and hall bathroom


After all of this we celebrated with copious amounts of beer, food, and laughter. Man we felt accomplished. You’d think we’d just freed slaves, or discovered fire.

I wish I could say this was the end of this long, drawn out tale. But alas, we are about to embark on a whole new level of home improvement.















Oh Johnathan Taylor Thomas, moare affectionately known as JTT, what ever happened to your acting career? I thought you surely were a shoe in at the Oscars after your stellar performance in Man of the House. Your emotion during the rain dance scene made me cry.


So anyway, we will be tackling the roof.

Yes, the part of our house that protects us from the elements.

Yesterday they delivered a dumpster to my front yard, ya know, for ‘roof garbage’ or whatever. I was having renovation PTSD. Hopefully I don’t go all Leutenant Dan on people and start shouting war commands like “Hand me the hammer!” or “Yeah, you heard me right, we’re painting everything…even the ceiling and I’m aware that’s inconvenient.”

Wish us luck. We will need it. We cuss a lot.

Nails and Epic Fails,


And as a side note: Dear HGTV, you are deceptive. It’s not easy or fun to be a ‘Weekend Warrior’. Home improvements suck. Home improvements are no walk in the park. Your shows are just as bad as the Pantene Pro-V commercials I would watch as a child. My hair never looked that smooth or satiny. You made me believe my house would look professionally put together on a paupers budget. Blasphemy. My house may never have baseboards or working electrical sockets. I’ve come to terms.

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