Monthly Archives: May 2012

poop is modern art

Prior to hitting up the NFL Draft, buying Dr. Scholl’s inserts, and eating another cupcake…the MOMA happened.














And then there’s these artistic gems.

Warhol and Lichtenstein,
Swan

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you put so much care into your modern warfare

Today is my handsome husband’s birthday!

Below are some things I haven’t pulled the trigger on buying for him yet….but shhhh don’t tell him about anything because I may use these gift ideas in the future.

1) Mountain Dew scented XBox soap

2) Daniel Tosh Tickets

3) Abraham Lincoln T-Shirt

Happy Birthday to a man who could eat sushi everyday, wear V-neck T-shirts in an assortment of colors, and listen to Night Ranger on repeat.

Chiefs and Boxer Briefs,
Swan

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david bowie designed the met

Hooray, I’ve finally graduated!

someecards.com - Allow me to take some pressure off your job search by informing you that no one's hiring

However, I’m channeling a snail with my vacation posts, so I’m a little behind.

Today I’d like to discuss the awesomeness that is Central Park. Not only does this park make me think of Kevin McCallister running away from burglars and befriending a bird lady, it also reminds me that crazy New Yorkers dig nature too.

Yes, it is beautiful.

Yes, it is a fun place to frolic.

Yes, it has a castle in it.

We spent our time gawking at the turtles in Turtle Pond (how did they ever come up with that name?), touring the magnificent castle where I pretended to be a Disney princess, and getting lost on our way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art a.k.a. hell on earth.

Why would I say such a horrible thing about this world-renowned museum? I’ll tell you why:

1) As I mentioned in a previous post, I wore cowboy boots this day so my feet were wondering when I was going to succumb to the pain and just rip them off.
2) I propose a re-name of The Met to The Labyrinth. Every time we’d walk into a different section we wondered if we were actually going the right way. Somehow we’d keep going right, logic would say this results in a circle, however, we never ended up in the same room we started. We missed entire sections of the museum due to its shotty layout. I also propose implementing arrows on the ground like Ikea does or perhaps a yellow brick road.
3) There needs to be more food and drink! I seriously felt like I was back at Warped Tour 2003, in the blazing heat with no water and scrounging for dolla dolla bills on the ground in order to hydrate. Except in the Met there is only one area that I found where people could up their blood sugar. I felt like Jesus in the desert…Lent style.
4) If you advertise Degas there better be some fucking ballerinas.

This is how I felt when I realized we were only half way through the first floor of this ginormous museum.

Here are some of the exhibits we actually saw luckily going right got us somewhere, sometimes…


and the obligatory cupcake…

a girl needs sugar after being deprived of all sustenance

Sugar and Statues,
Swan

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littlefoot just wants to reach the great valley where there are plenty of tree stars

Do you enjoy looking at fake animals and prehistoric dinosaur bones?

Good. You will enjoy the wonderful pictures I took at the Museum of Natural History.

Prior to that, I’d like to share 9 things I learned while on vacation that in hindsight I would have enjoyed knowing before getting on a jet plane.

1) Oddly enough the east coast seems to think toilet seat covers aren’t a necessity. Perhaps I have a new butt fungus, perhaps I don’t, things are still fermenting.

2) Cowboy boots are not a fashioneable or practical piece of footwear while in New York and walking 60 blocks.

3) Staking claim on the armrest on a plane is not rude, it’s survival. If you don’t do it the other guy will, and then you’ll be elbowed in the hip during your 4 hour flight.

4) The subway is not scary when you take it during the day and you’re not panicking about switching lines.

5) People in New York do not like to wait for anything. Why they have crosswalks I’m not sure.

6) Security lines for monuments are no joke. Perhaps wearing silver chains and sweatshirts with a┬áthousand zippers isn’t wise because then they’ll make you take off your shoes and treat you like a terrorist.

7) When someone tells you, “These sandwichs are so New York” that’s code for “These sandwiches contain an entire pig, 10 slices of bread, and require reinforcement underneath them to prevent the thick paper bag and butcher paper from ripping.”

8) Eating prior to entering the Met is a necessity, because walking that museum is like running a marathon, and their cafe is simply not sufficient enough to satiate all of it’s eager dwellers.

9) Get used to telling people no. Most corners have someone trying to sell you something. This ranges from horse and carriage rides to fake Louis Vuittons beautifully displayed on dirty sheets.

On to the museum of Natural History extravaganza…

Petrie and Spike,
Swan

P.S. I am currently dancing around my house to Carly Rae Jepsen. If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right.

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you claim to be taller, but i think the ruler is just broken

Why is my sister cooler than everyone?

1) She can make a meal out of refried beans, lettuce, and broken taco shells.

2) She thinks animals are cooler than most people, so she goes out of her way to save as many as she can.

3) She sometimes goes out on a Tuesday, at 2am, just so she can dance.

4) She’s not ashamed to drink beer out of a bag while holding a penis straw.

5) She knows Barbie water beds are just zip lock bags filled with water, inside a Barbie tent made out of pillows.

6) She likes to run with me…sometimes…if the weathers nice….and she’s not tired.

7) She asks me for my opinion regarding her apartment and it’s level of haunting, because she agrees that I am ghosty gifted.

8) She humors me at Christmas, allowing me to force everyone to open one present at a time. It may take 4 hours, but damn it we savor the moment.

9) She naively went around our childhood neighborhood unknowingly calling our racist cat’s name, and still hasn’t forgiven our father for telling us our bunnies ran away when they were really driven to west sacramento, set free, and probably eaten by some Vietnamese grandma.

10) She knows how to finish this sentence. Camp Anawana we hold you in our hearts, and when we think about you, it makes me wanna…

Happy Birthday Beats on the Streets!

You smell of pickle juice and tea tree oil. That is badass.

Barney and Lambchops,
Swan

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trusting captain america

While on vacation I ate a lot of cupcakes.

It was glorious.

So from Philadelphia we took the train over to New York City. I had never been on a train before. I was sort of a hot mess trying to figure out what to do. I panicked and started asking elderly people which side we should be standing on. They should know right? They are wiser after all.

They were not helpful. I got responses like, “Your guess is as good as mine sweetheart.” As if the sweetheart softens the blow that they have failed me.

Somehow we ended up on the right train. There weren’t any seats left together so I ended up sitting next to another elderly woman. She chatted me up the whole time. We were practically BFF’s by the end. She was going to visit her granddaughter’s school for grandparents day. I was telling her where I was going, and that I had never been on a train.

She took me under her wing. My faith in the elderly had returned.

She told me I should go to a famous deli in New York called Carnegie Deli. I wrote it down obediently. More on that experience later.

I told her I was afraid I’d miss my train stop! She said she’d shove me off the train when it was time, so I had no need to worry.

Finally! I could relax and pretend I was going to Hogwarts.

At my stop, I bid my farewells to my new bestie. My husband and I got off the train and entered the honking streets of New York, where cars try to hit pedestrians and every block has someone on the street corner trying to sell you a double decker bus ride.

After we found our hotel next to the Scientology building we were able to do some sight seeing.

The Empire State Building was our first stop! Exciting for those of us who aren’t afraid of heights.

Times Square at night is pretty interesting. Minus the French people.

I especially enjoyed that Captain America took our picture because we didn’t trust that anyone else wouldn’t run off with my camera. This way we could tell the police “He was dressed like a superhero!”. I feel like that’s easier to track down.

Much more on a later date…

Cupcakes and Captain America,
Swan

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paddy’s pub: home of the original kitten mittens

I’m back from my relaxing hustle and bustle vacation.

Yes, I missed my every day life. After all I am a creature of habit.

However, it was lovely being a tourist, embarrassing my husband with my Asian inspired camera skills, and eating cupcakes on the regular.

The first stop on our itinerary was Philadelphia. I literally arrived delirious after watching copious amounts of Smash on my iPad, hopped in a cab, assured him I was 27 not 17, and off we went.

Philly, you treated us well, except for that late night stop at the ghetto night club.

There were two white people in the club, guess who they were.

One of them was dancing to Usher, guess who that was.

On to the photo montage…




Brotherly Love and Cheese steaks,
Swan

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