Monthly Archives: April 2012

ocd is the way to be

A few more days until New York.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notable things that have happened in the past week:

1) A mentally ill person told me I looked like a model. Well thank you kind sir, I’ll take that with a grain of salt.

2) I ate waaay too many refried beans. Need I say more.

3) I shared my New York itinerary with a co-worker. Then they asked me if I’m OCD, to which I vehemently denied and countered with the suggestion that I am simply organized.

4) I tried seeding the lawn. I’ve watered it religiously. Nothing has happened.

5) I gave a presentation summing up my Masters program. Luckily I didn’t faint, but I was too stressed to eat, hence #2 (I suppose that applies to both interpretations).

6) The dentist congratulated me on having no cavities, while telling me I might have gingivitis in the same breath. I told her it could possibly be the fact that I wore my retainers the night before. She seemed to humor me and say “Sure that could very well be it.”

7) I saw Florence and the Machine for free on a weeknight. Man I was living the crazy life.

8) I decided that I will not be seeing the movie The Lucky One because I’m super uncomfortable with the fact the actress looks so much older than Zac Efron. Deep, I know.

I’m ready for, and in need of a vacation.

 

Carry-ons and Cocktails,

Swan

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the world could use a few more pony parades

Flashback Friday

This is completely unacceptable.

Is it just me or do these creatures look demonic?

The blue one actually looks upset. How can you be upset with rainbow hair? The orange one might have pink eye, and the yellow one appears to have just heard the saddest news imaginable.

This is how My Little Ponies are supposed to look…

I truly wish my mother would have saved my pony herd. Allegedly, I had so many I’d create pony parades.

A pony parade: is a straight line of ponies, that move forward simply by grabbing the caboose pony and moving them all the way up to the front of the line. My mother claims these parades would stretch from room to room.

Clearly I was a genius, and so incredibly self-sufficient.

Similarly, I vividly remember fighting over a pink sparkly pony in Kindergarten. I also remember having a pony with flapping wings, one with a spinning tail, and one that changed colors in the water. Legit.

None of these creepy eyed, alien ponies trying to be sold to the youth of America. I refuse to buy them you know whenever I have a child or it’s a Friday night and I’m feeling nostalgic while watching Rescue From Midnight Castle.

 Moondancer and North Star,

Swan

Side Note: If this does not make sense I am sorry. You clearly have gone throughout life without knowing joy.

Moondancer is a Unicorn Pony who debuted in 1983 as part of the Second wave of the Generation 1 Toyline. Moondancer then made her brief appearance in the first My Little Pony Special Rescue From Midnight Castle. Moondancer is one of the four kidnapped ponies in Dream Valley during Scorpan’s raid. Out of the four, she is the only Unicorn Pony that was corrupted by Tirek’s Rainbow of Darkness in order to pull his chariot. She was reverted back to normal after Tirek was destroyed. She has a daughter named Baby Moondancer, who is very shy. She got kidnapped by Catrina along with the Rainbow of Light to be used as a ransom to force the Bushwoolies to go back to her.

North Star is an explorer Pegasus Pony with a strong British accent. She has a good sense of direction, though she can be easily frazzled. She has a daughter named Baby North Star, who is one of the first tooth ponies, in charge of taking care of the twins Baby Snookums and Sniffles and Baby Milkweed and Tumbleweed. Like the other baby ponies, she has one tooth and was involved in a feud against Fudgey McSwain and Rocky Ripple.

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mo’ money, mo’ problems…unless you’re a garbage man

Red Roses are the poster child of Valentine’s Day.

Just accept the obligatory pic of Eleanor.

Since I work in an office environment, and Valentine’s Day fell on a weekday, I was subjected to the parading of bouquets.

Yes, I realize it is now April. No, I do not care that this post is two months past due.

To get back on track, this year the unthinkable happened.

One of my co-workers received a bouquet with just enough far too many carnations and too many not enough roses. Naturally her husband felt slighted by the florist.

someecards.com - It's not what you do for me on Valentine's Day that matters but the amount of jealousy it provokes in others

This my friends was the birth place of the all-encompassing term: Carnation Catastrophes.

A Carnation Catastrophe is something people deem as a significant inconvenience, when in reality no one gives a shit. Let’s be real, some people are swatting flies off their ration of bread. So the fact that my IPhone is slower than a stay at home mom allowing her child to order at Starbuck’s, doesn’t really reach to the higher levels of significance. Side note: Mark my words, I will not allow my children to make decisions that most adults find difficult, especially during the morning rush with a line out the door.

So what are some examples of a carnation catastrophe? Well I’m glad you asked.

  • My Mercedes is in the shop, so I can’t drive to Whole Foods everyday to purchase my special bread. Beetle, are suffering from PTSD? P.S. I want my bread sliced, and where are your free samples, and why can’t I just buy half a loaf, and I understand it’s Sperlonga Saturday, but can’t we pretend it’s Cranberry Walnut Wednesday! 
  • My house is too warm from the heater at night so I have to sleep with the fan on and it keeps me awake. Yes I know. I should have just turned down the heater, but we had company, and frankly I’d sleep on an ice cap if you let me because I enjoy being cold at night. Bring on the earplugs.

You get the idea.

So what are some examples of real catastrophes?

  • Human remains found on a waste management conveyor belt at the recycling center. Just when you think the world couldn’t get weirder, it surprises you with this Monday morning headline as you drink your Grande coffee….after you waited in line because of the indecisive 7-year old.
  • Charles Manson coming up on his parole. I have no words. I literally had nightmares for weeks based on a documentary I saw about Manson’s escapades. Yes you are correct, that is a euphemism. 

So spread the filler flower love.

I like to think of it as a reminder that I really have no reason to complain. My husband is notorious for telling me “Life’s good!” during my self imposed stressful situations. While it drives me insane, I appreciate his approach.

So taking a page from the “Manual on How to Live Life Like a Care-Free Man” I’ll do my honest best to keep from cursing the world for the next 36 days until I obtain my Masters. Cry me a river, right?  Carnation catastrophe at it’s finest.

Oh, and someone buy the garbage man who found a body while sifting through recycled cans a Mercedes. He deserves it more than the bitch who’s schizophrenic about bread.

Ok, I swear I’m done complaining now.

Foliage and Garbage,

Swan

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and it feels like i am just too close to love you

There’s a story of a lovely lady..

Who was bringing up four very lovely pets.

One of them had hair of gold, like their mother.

The youngest one in curls.

 

 

This song is featured in an Internet Explorer commercial. I literally watched it and thought “Why don’t I use Internet Explorer, it’s so cool?” I am gullible. I am ashamed. But I am addicted to this song during my car rides too and from the library and internship.

Marcia and Cindy,
Swan

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i’ll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

What do I do when I’m avoiding the inevitable trip to the library to do homework?

Well first I simply must drink 3 cups of coffee.

Then I must read the entire User’s Manual for the D5100.

Logically compiling April mix tapes follows, which segues right into my Top Five Favorite Albums. Keep in mind this is not necessarily favorite songs or bands, although they can go hand in hand. Furthermore this list does not include any Greatest Hits albums.

Now that the logistics are out of the way…

1) North – Something Corporate

I used to listen to this entire album on repeat when I would paint. Back when my greatest worry was whether or not I had a 4 or 5 hour work shift at the gym, and if my roommates would remember to unload the dishwasher. Those were the days! My school schedule consisted of Creative Writing and Yoga, and I had time to belt out “As You Sleep” while eating Chinese takeout.

2) Jagged Little Pill – Alanis Morisette

I wanted this album so bad when it came out. My dear mother I mean the Easter Bunny put it in my Easter basket when I was in 5th grade. That. Was. So. Cool. I put it in my sweet boom box on my dresser and meticulously memorized all the lyrics, even the cuss words. My dad enjoyed “Hand in my Pocket”, so I can attest to driving around in his Mustang appreciating the lyrical rhyme juxtaposition

3) Under the Cork Tree – Fall Out Boy

I remember when I bought this I didn’t even think I would like it. I just liked their weird music video with the deer. Then I realized it was clever writing, and Stump had a sweet voice. Wentz was odd, but I could forgive the band for that. Any band that can cleverly compare bed post notches, and lines in songs, is alright with me.

4) Riot! – Paramore

Similar to Under the Cork Tree, Riot! has clever lyrics and Hayley has an amazing voice. I’m a sucker for these two combined together. Call it my Peanut Butter and Jelly combination. Plus “crushcrushcrush” reminded me of another bitter female song I enjoyed so much, “You Outta Know.”

5) Transatlanticism – Death Cab for Cutie

Oddly enough I like to listen to this when I run. I’m a fan of this albums calming effect, and “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” is a favorite of mine. My husband always asks me if I’m depressed when I listen to this, but he is just a naysayer.

So with that, here’s some old ear candy to crunch on. I guess I woke up with a new month to greet me, and I wanted to revert back to old music.

April 2012 Mix Tape

Seasons – Good Charlotte
You’re So Last Summer -Taking Back Sunday
Silver and Cold – A.F.I.
Cute Without The ‘E’ – Taking Back Sunday
At Your Funeral – Saves The Day
Don’t Be So Hard – The Audition
Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don’t – Brand New
Alive With The Glory Of Love – Say Anything
My Friend’s Over You – New Found Glory
Number Five With A Bullet – Taking Back Sunday
There’s No ‘I’ In Team – Taking Back Sunday
Let It Enfold You – Senses Fail
Jude Law and a Semester Abroad – Brand New
Best of Me – The Starting Line
The Leaving Song, Pt. 2 – A.F.I.
Mixed Tape – Brand New

Not Iconic and Perhaps Ironic,
Swan

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