Monthly Archives: March 2012

is the tassle worth the hassle

Last night I sat on the couch and knitted. Intensely.

A month ago I proclaimed that I wished I was homeless because school was stressing me out. To which my friend wisely said, “I’m worried about you!”

When watching Jackass re-runs I can’t help but think they are being incredibly irresponsible and destructive for no reason.

For the past three weeks in a row, The Voice has made me cry. Especially the sandwich guy and his complete and utter happiness for his opponent’s win during the battle round.

Just this week, Eleanor (the pug), has started growling and barking at a corner in my room. I instatneously jump to the conclusion that my room is haunted by a ghost puppy.

Last night I listened to an entire Justin Bieber song, and then proclaimed, “It’s not that bad.”

What does this all mean?

Perhaps I’m slowly losing my marbles….like this guy.

However, in his defense, I am utterly impressed and entertained by this YouTube Video which I think suggests something about my sanity right now.

Yesterday I bought my cap and gown for graduation. The gentleman who sold me my overpriced apparel was so chipper. He proclaimed he planned to attend graduate school in the coming years. My head said, “Only do that if you want to have no life, be exhausted all the time, and pay money to work for free!” But my heart said, “Oh that’s great, good luck!” Who am I to crush the dreams of others. May 18th cannot come soon enough. 50 Days…not that I’m counting.

Degrees and Fees,

Swan

 

 

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let them out of the vault, walt

Last week Beetle and I were flipping through our 900 television channels trying to find a suitable distraction (because let’s face it, the 75 hours of recorded TV was of no interest).

Luckily we stumbled upon the trusty Disney Channel, and Beauty and the Beast was on. Instantaneously we both squealed with excitement and settled in for the long haul.

Side Note: The Disney Channel had some really great entertainment back in the day. Oh you want examples? How about Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, The Thirteenth Year, Johnny Tsunami, and Brink! This was before they started producing shit like The Cheetah Girls.

Moving on..

It’s amazing what emotions 80s and 90s era cartoons will evoke! This got me thinking about all of the well-deserved winners who’ve made my Disney Superlatives list. No, I’m not embarassed. Beetle chimed right in when I started justifying my opinions, hence I know at least one other person who appreciates this astonishing use of time. The red wine might have helped too.

Best Castle: Beast

First of all, it’s huge. The shots from the outside show it’s vast square footage, it’s simply remarkable. Plus, who wouldn’t want talking inanimate objects pouring you tea and fluffing your pillow? All of this, plus a huge ballroom with an amazing mural, and a library that doesn’t institute late fees, make it the clear winner.

 

 

Saddest Scene: When Dumbo has to say goodbye to his mom

So the Beetle hasn’t seen this. I thought it would be wise to find this clip on YouTube and force her to watch it. I did. We both cried, out loud, hysterically. It wasn’t a good look. This could have been the wine as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Representation of Beetle in Disney Form: Belle

“I would totally be Belle because she’s smart and weird.” -Beetle

 

Best Representation of Swan in Disney Form: Ariel

“I would totally be Ariel because she’s fiery and defiant.” – Swan

 

Best Pet: Nana

How helpful! Does your dog get you water and give you medicine? Mine sure doesn’t. Plus she is completely committed to Michael, Wendy, and John…even though they leave her to go frolick in Neverland with Peter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Shoes: Cinderella

I know this goes without saying, but I’m saying it. Shoes made out of glass: totally impractical and uncomfortable. However, they sparkle brilliantly. I’m sold.

 

Most Bland Princess: Aurora

I suppose I have no justification for this one, she just isn’t memorable to me. I enjoy her love of animals, but that is a knock off of Snow White. I enjoy her beautiful gown, but Cinderella really owns that category. Aurora needed her own unique tagline. Maybe poisoned spinning-wheels were just too much to fathom as a child, but poisened apples were totally believable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The list could go on and on, so consider this Part I.

I miss the way Disney used to be, and know they will never get back to that magical place. So, like a Doomsday Prepper, I am snatching up Disney Classics when they are let out of the vault, creating my own cartoon kit, and will be forcing them upon my own children some day.

Princes and Princesses,

Swan

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lil’ weezy and the great galavant

I can understand why those primitive desert people think a camera steals their soul. It is unnatural to see yourself from the outside. – Nigella Lawson

Tumbleweeds and Chapped Lips,
Swan

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bows and arrows don’t kill people, people kill people

It’s been a while, I know. Master’s degrees are no joke, they take up way too much time.

On to important news:

I think my list of things that make me fear for society needs to be extended. So sit back, relax, and soak up the reality of 2012.

1) Remember when books were about web’s made by Charlotte, or where the wild things are? Not anymore. Now books are about 12-18 year-olds figuring out how to kill each other.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m on the bandwagon. I’m drinking the Katniss Everdeen Kool-Aid and am now enlightened into understanding my complete and utter inability to survive in a society where the object is killing off your children for sport. Saturday night 7:10, Century Theaters, front row.

someecards.com - Let's kick off spring by sitting in a dark theater watching teenagers murder each other

2) Why is there the ability to buy two plane tickets for one person. That. Should. Never. Happen.

3) When a perfectly respectable donut shop also decides to sell Pho soup for lunch. This odd pairing is too much for me. I could never ever get past the pungent sugar smell mixed with sodium infused broth. I fear this odd combination may only be the beginning. Businesses are finding some interesting ways to stay afloat. I however, will not be able to support this endeavor. Unless it’s a scone shop that also sells pizza. Note to self: Write down this amazing business idea.

4) Since when did 20 year olds begin dominating the banking business. They can barely tie their shoes, let alone advise me on whether or not I need a money order or a certified check. Go back to Starbuck’s where you belong! I enjoy your witty banter when I’m purchasing my over priced, burnt espresso latte, but I’d rather not have my checking account open while you talk about funny YouTube videos about girls who can’t do math.

5) Shopping used to be fun. Now it sucks. If I have to hear, “No I’m sorry we don’t have that, but you should check online” one more time. I might just have a meltdown and scream in the store. Why do you have a store if you aren’t going to carry the product? The world is minimizing the need for retail workers by always having 30 pairs of size 2 jeans and nothing else. Size 2 is for anorexics or pre-teens…give me a meat and potatoes size. I’ll buy it I swear.

6) And last on my rant list today….articles titled Why You Should Never Retire.

 
Side note: Dear Peyton Manning~ How am I to enjoy your new team and all that it represents? When just last week they were praying with Tim Tebow and washing their uniforms with Tide Extra (ya know…to get out the grass stains from kneeling so much). Regardless, I have some serious soul searching to do before next Fall. I suppose you could win me over, somehow, but it will be difficult. I’ll keep you posted.

Scones and Pizza,

Swan

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are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch

In my humble opinion there have been some really good new television shows this season. So good in fact they may warrant their own post, but for now I plan to list them along with what keeps me coming back to that glorious little light box called a television to tune in.

New Girl is the Cat’s Pajamas.

Hello Jess~

We may be long lost besties.

1) I enjoy wearing fun dresses too

2) I had Disney characters on my checks (not baby farm animals, but equally amazing I think)

3) Um Glasses…awesome

4) I had a serious relationship with knitting at one point as well

5) I thoroughly enjoy being comforted by a warm blanket on my lap

 
Once Upon a Time is the Sardine’s Whiskers.
 
 
 
I am loving this show right now. I love trying to figure out who each person in Storybrooke actually is in the Fairy Tale world. It is a total guilty pleasure that brings me back to my childhood. I can imagine I’m watching all of my favorite Disney classics again, only reimagined. I was especially intrigued by the Snow White and Prince Charming tale at first but now they are painting them into adulterers. Which in their defense certainly is a different way to look at it.
 
Dear ABC~
 
There is one thing I absolutely must address: Please stop referencing Rumpelstiltskin, he’s creepy. I don’t like how he’s always around. Fix that.
 
 
Smash is the Clam’s Garters.
 
 
When I saw the previews for this I was skeptical. However, like the doting American I am, I watched the Pilot. I loved it.
 
Katherine McPhee was lukewarm on my list of actresses, but now I kind of like her. Blame it on my upcoming trip to NY, or  my love of dancing, or perhaps it was the Broadwayified Helvetica show title. Regardless, if you’re not watching this start immediately.
 
ABC and NBC,
Swan
 
 
 Fun fact of the day:
 
“The cat’s pajamas” does indeed mean “the hottest new thing” or “great, wonderful”. According to Stuart Berg Flexner’s “Listening to America” (1982), “the cat’s pajamas” was one of a number of nonsense phrases invented in the flapper period, often on the template of combining an animal, the more unlikely the better, with a part of the human body or an article of clothing. Thus “the cat’s pajamas” seems to have inspired a rash of similar phrases also meaning “excellent,” including “the bee’s knees,” “the clam’s garters,” “the eel’s ankles,” “the gnat’s elbow,” “the pig’s wings” and my personal fave, “the sardine’s whiskers.” While none of these phrases or dozens of other have any intrinsic logic (don’t go looking for an eel’s ankle, in other words), the formula does have the advantage of nearly infinite variation, and one can easily imagine a hipster of the day poring over zoology textbooks in search of ever more exotic species with which to wow the gang. Courtesy of The Word Detective
 
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a dollar makes me holler

There are things I witness in every day life that make me fear for society as a whole.

1) When parents feed their children candy for dinner (I’ve seen this in real life…I’m convinced these children no longer have teeth)

2) When people say they are going to Tweet things.

3) When the local radio station plays the same 10 songs repeatedly, and the lyrics go a little something like this “She had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, the whole club lookin at her, she hit the floor, next thing you know, shawty got low low low low low low low low”.

4) When cartoon figures start to look more like japanese anime.

5) When Starbucks intstituted the Trenta.

6) When buying Double Fiber AntiOxident Enriched Low-Calorie bread costs more than Whole Wheat Bread.

7) When people stopped wearing pants in public.. .you know who you are.

8) And last but not least…Honey Boo Boo Child.

 

Alana should really sit down with Sophia Grace and Rosie for a little lesson in Etiquette. Emily Post would be horrified.

(be patient…ignore the advertisement…it’s worth it)

 

America I’m worried.

Honey Boo Boo and Tutu,
Swan

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a car is useless in new york, essential everywhere else. the same with good manners.

Honeymoons are an interesting thing. They tend to be filled with fanny packs, pina coladas, and sun burn. At least this is the vision in my head.

Mine will be very different.

That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen….the husband and I will be traveling to the far off land called New York.

I’m actually stoked. As a teenager I used to tell my parents I was going to NYU because I wanted to get as far away as possible.

On our list of To Dos:

1) Watch a Broadway Show. I’m sorry husband of mine…it won’t be Cats. I’m aware Mr. Mistoffelees and Rum Tum Tugger will be deeply disappointed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Watch a Death Cab for Cutie concert at Beacon Theater. Ben Gibbard will thoroughly depress us in this acoustic gem of a venue.

3) Take a copious amount of pictures at The Statue of Liberty

4) Skip in Central Park while wearing a fun Spring dress (me, not Mike)

5) Sit at a sidewalk cafe, have coffee, and read The New York Times

6) And lastly, visit Times Square. Maybe I’ll get a glimpse of the old TRL studio. Don’t worry Carson, you’re stint on The Voice doesn’t make you seem old or out of touch at all.

 Our Do Not Do List is a bit shorter and less specific:

1) Do not get mugged, raped, or murdered

2) Do not get bed bugs

3) Do not get swindled into buying fake Rolex watches on the sidewalk

I’m thinking Mike and I will have a blast. Mike will appreciate New York for all of it’s historical significance, and I’ll be beaming from ear to ear knowing Kevin McCallister once roamed the streets.

Subways and Cabs,

Swan

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fierce

New camera means new pictures with my trusty, overpaid models.

Tyra and Elle,
Swan

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