Monthly Archives: February 2012

superman wears jack bauer pajamas

For the past few weeks I’ve been straddling the line between health and sickness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I haven’t gone to the doctor, or really changed my life at all. However, I secretly want to stay in bed and watch Lifetime all day but somehow I have enough energy to function in everyday life anyway. I’m convinced this awkward purgatory stage is a direct result of fighting germs daily with Emergen-C packets and NyQuil.

Besides…I know the usual cures: drink lots of water, take vitamins, get lots of rest, get a new toothbrush, eat pizza. (Don’t bother disputing the last one).

However, the real reason I haven’t gone to the doctor is because I think doctors are useless.

Strike 1:

In 4th grade I went to the doctor because I felt super sick. The doctor observed me, checked my breathing, sent me home, said I had a cold, and gave me some generic medication. That night I didn’t move from my bed. My breathing was shallow, my mom didn’t know what to do, and I was horiffically unresponsive for a 10-year-old. She finally rushed me to the E.R. and I was hospitalized for 5 days due  to a wicked case of asthma and pneumonia. Looks like someone forgot to read that chapter in med school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Strike 2:

My junior year of high school I went to visit the University I ended up attending for college. While there, my family unfortunately stayed in a smoking hotel. I got so violently sick that I lost my voice, was throwing up, and joking convinced people that I had contracted SARS. When I visited my general practitioner this time they had 3 different doctors run tests on me. At the end of the day they had no idea what was wrong with me, sent me home, and told me to return if things didn’t get better within a week. Things did not get better. I did not go back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Strike 3:

My senior year of college brought unique challenges. To start, I had a horrible case of insomnia. When I finally couldn’t take the bags under my eyes anymore, I went to urgent care. Never ever ever go to urgent care. The doctor told me I should go to the local psychiatric hospital for an evaluation because insomnia was related to many mental disorders, like bipolar disorder. Some one should have slapped her with the bedside manner stick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These strikes aren’t even taking into account the time I was perscribed medication far too strong for me, and I was walking around like a meth head. The time my doctor told me I was on the verge of obese, so I better lose some weight. And the time my doctor secretly gave me a pregnency test because she thought I was lying.

All of this has resulted in me only going to the E.R. when I was literally bleeding out of places I shouldn’t be bleeding (and still the co-pay pissed me off), super gluing cuts instead of getting medical care, taking a cold bath when I had a 103 degree temperature, and having a stagnant cold for the majority of 2012.

Will I change my rogue ways? Probably not. Just call me Jack Bauer. The cat from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, not the crime fighting CTU agent from 24. After all, you know he was born in a pool of gasoline on a piece of rusty scrap metal, and  jumped through barbed wire into a vat of hot tar. He’s indestructible.

And so am I my friends, so am I.

Ambien and Penicillin,

Swan

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but i’m stuck in colder weather

Birthday lessons…

1) I’m too old to drink shots…especially 2 in a row.

2) Charity events usually have really good food.

3) Bringing your dog into random businesses isn’t a problem, as long as you act unapproachable so that no one questions you on your blindness.

*It’s currently a snowy day, so I must bundle myself up under a blanket, eat leftover birthday cake, and keep Eleanor from eating speaker wires.

Cake and Candles,
Swan

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myopia to mammals

Growing up I couldn’t see. Literally.

My mother didn’t know I had vision problems until I smacked into the corner of a wall, cracked my head open, and had to be rushed to the emergency room.

After that, the fact that I sat so close to the television made sense. It’s one of those chicken and egg predicaments, which came first? Mothers always say “Don’t sit so close to the television it will ruin your eyes!” However, in my case, I sat so close because otherwise it was all a blur.

I prefer to think I looked like this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…not this.

(My obsession with Poltergeist and 101 Dalmations for that matter is a different post for a different day)

Don’t cry just yet, this story gets happier.

So anyway my mother finally wised up, got me some spectacles with pink jewels in the corners, and sent me out into the world to explore.

So to celebrate my vision, I thought I’d share my top 3 television animal influences of my childhood. I realize this is an odd segue…from vision to animals on TV, but to me it makes perfect sense.

1) Lassie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lassie was the shit. Lassie always found Timmy, even if he was in a well, and on top of that Lassie helped me understand the concept of time. My parents would say “Grandma will be here in 2 Lassie episodes”. That is legit parenting if you ask me because I totally understand what they meant, and it was an excuse to weatch more Lassie.

2) Milo and Otis

(2 animals technically, but there is no one to complain to about this so I guess it will have to fly)

So who can argue with the fact that Milo and Otis are adorable. I loved that they were so different, but still besties. I didn’t like when they got seperated, but I did enjoy seeing them create their own individual animal families. Seriously who can resist a pug and an orange cat? Not me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve collected Milo and Otis look-alikes for my own pets.

3) Mister Ed the Talking Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Admittedly I can’t remember details of this show, but I do remember liking it. I was deep in a My Little Pony phase though which could have contributed to my attachment to Mister Ed, but I guess I’ll never know. How did they get him to move his mouth with the words? Magic.

All of this leads me to my final point. Vision, animals, and happiness go hand in hand. I feel like this should be a Humane Society plug minus the depressing Sarah McLachlan music.

 

 

 

 

 

Lucky and Carol Ann,
Swan

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i know i can make it through

If you’ve seen Degrassi: The Next Generation then you know:

 a) it was awesome,

b) it had many actors that moved on to become relatively famous,

c) this was surprising because the acting wasn’t very good,

d) lastly it’s lack of boundaries kept you coming back.

This glorious TV drama was set in Canada, and had so many characters you could barely keep track of who people were dating or what their special talent was. One week we’d discover that someone played the guitar, and the next week we’d discover that someone was a model. What glamorous Canadian lives.

In fact some of them disappeared with no explanation whatsoever…


Who weathered the Degrassi storm to see better days?

Nina Dobrev played Mia Jones…a.k.a. the new girl with the baby.

Notable Events:
* Came to Degrassi from Lakehurst a year before the merge
* Dated J.T.
* Was the center of the pointless dispute that led to Lakehurst thugs murdering J.T.
* Battled Holly J for the love of Sav
* Reunited with Lucas, Isabella’s father
* Nearly lost her daughter after Lucas’s party was busted by the police
* Was scouted by a modeling agency; became the new face of T-Bombz
* Almost failed out of school
* Dumped Peter for keeping in touch with Darcy, then got back together with him

Typical Quote:
“Mean girls are just like three year olds, distracted easily by flattery and shiny things.”

Now Nina spends her time on The Vampire Diaries set, as an overly dramatic, hyper mature, vampire loving doppleganger.

Then there’s the oh so lovable Jimmy Brooks played by Aubrey Graham…a.k.a. the guy in the wheelchair.

Notable Events:

*Seen as the school basketball star
*Comes from a wealthy family
*His longtime best friend is Spinner Mason
*Oh yeah, and he was shot by a gunman at school…which paralyzed him

Now he goes by Drake. Some people Anyone who has access to public radio or Mtv has heard his name. Yes it’s unfortunate that he’s friends with Nicki Minaj, but we’ll forgive him because he’s also friends with Lil Wayne.

Then there’s slutty Darcy who loved the Lord.


Darcy was played by Shenae Grimes.

Notable Events:
* Teamed up with the rest of the Spirit Squad to break Paige’s ankle when she dissed Manny
* Introduced Spinner to the Friendship Club, Jesus, and forgiveness
* Found out Spinner had sex with Manny, ended up in a smackdown with her
* Convinced Spinner to revirgify himself, then dumped him when she found out he had sex with Paige
* Posed for sexy pictures taken by Peter
* Posted said pictures on the Web and picked up a cyber-stalker
* Seduced Peter in the nurse’s office
* Moved to Kenya to do charity work

Typical Quote:
“Sometimes you need to be evil to fight evil.”

Nowadays she’s in a different zip code, 90210.

No I don’t mean this…

I mean slutty, new 90210…

Where the characters don’t eat, and they run people over with their cars.

Oh Degrassi, even though your show was horrible, I couldn’t turn away. I just had to know if Paige was going to get in trouble for wrecking Spinner’s new car, or if Liberty would get over her Dysgraphia, or if Manny would really steal Ashley’s man.

Now that it’s all said and done, I’m glad we had our time together, but I must move on to more mature television…

…like 90210 and The Vampire Diaries.

Sorry and About (Canada style),

Swan

p.s. Drake I’ll forgive you for this lyric:

“I love Nicki Minaj, I told her I’d admit it
I hope one day we get married just to say we fucking did it
And girl, I’m fucking serious, I’m with it if you with it
‘Cause your verses turn me on, and your pants are mighty fitted”

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gomez or gaga

Eleanor has two favorite songs.

I say her favorite song is Love You Like a Love Song by Selena Gomez, and Beetle says it’s Marry the Night by Lady Gaga. Either way Eleanor has incredible taste, even though these songs have two very different messages. Either Eleanor wants to lace up her boots, throw on some leather and cruise or she wants to keep hittin’ repeat -peat-peat-peat-peat. 

At the end of the day Eleanor wiggles to them both.

Who’s Eleanor?


Don’t you dare judge her. She’s just not very photogenic, but she’s got a great personality.

Furthermore, my February mix tape is growing and growing. Never mind the fact that February is over half way over. Details, details.

February Mix Tape

Grouplove – Slow
Passion Pit – Sleepy Head
Taylor Swift – Safe & Sound
The Kooks – Seaside
Grouplove – Goldcoast
Metric – Sick Muse
The Civil Wars – Barton Hollow
Air Traffic Controller – Bad Axe, MI
Grouplove – Tongue Tied
Matt Costa – Behind the Moon

Also, when it comes to music, can I rant about how depressing it is that Katy Perry’s new horrible song about her bitter divorce is #1 on iTunes. Meanwhile women like Adele and Whitney Houston are 2 and 3.

Also, have we all forgotten that Chris Brown assaulted a woman?  That’s worthy of a Grammy?

Lastly, Nicki Minaj sucks. Period.

Sticks and Stones,
Swan

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all the cool kids have walking canes and coke bottle glasses

Flashback Friday

Dear Waldo,

I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a few questions.

First question: How on earth do you travel so much Waldo?

Second Question: How do you smell so fresh and so clean clean when you’re always wearing the same outfit?

Third Question: Are you originally from a cold climate, hence the beanie?

Fourth Question: Is your favorite holiday Christmas?

Oh Waldo, you seem to love your gypsy ways. Thank you for sending me so many postcards from your destinations, but I’m having a hard time spotting you.

Oh there you are….oh no wait…that’s a red and white striped towel. Who did you go to the beach with? Was it the man who got a severe sunburn from his holy shirt? Or perhaps it was the large lass in red heading towards the water to take a dip?

Oh fooled me again with that red and white striped loin cloth. Why is it so crowded Waldo? Are you eating spaghetti? You know you could have just made that at home, it would have saved you the hassle. Unless of course you’re having an Eat, Pray, Love moment. Eat on my dear Waldo, eat on.

WTF…there’s a man who’s wearing the exact same shirt as you. That really doesn’t seem fair. Is this a laundry expo? Why would you ever want to go to that? Plus women are being assaulted left and right! One woman has a Peeping Tom exposing her in the dressing room, and another women is having her outfit literally sucked off her body by a vacuum.

You’re kind of an adventurer aren’t you Waldo. I guess that’s cool. You clearly don’t have social anxiety. Always a plus.

Enjoy your travels.

Wizard Whitebeard and Wenda,

Swan

p.s. What’s your vision prescription?

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and I thought I loved you then

Oh husband of mine…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…you are the milk to my cookies.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

Need a Valentine’s card/gift idea? Hit up Etsy. Here are some of my favorites.

Even though my husband refuses to watch The Notebook with me, while talking about how romantic it is and crying, I guess he’s still pretty swell. I can only ask so much of him.

I hope everyone eats lots of chocolate, drinks copious amounts of red wine, and has a day filled with love.

See’s and Hallmark,

Swan 

 

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alexander graham bell, to see miss marron

When I was little I loved to perform. I thought for sure I would be an actress, singer, or ballenrina.

My mother neglected to tell me that when I sang to the credits of Beethoven’s 2nd I wasn’t good. Furthermore, acting as if I was Nala from The Lion King wasn’t exactly Hollywood material, and dancers don’t get HoHo’s in their lunch bag.

Despite all this, I continued to practice my skills. One of the ways I did this was to pretend I was Rachel Marron from The Bodyguard.

I mean robe on over my outfit, fake mini microphone, bedazzled perfection. Queen of the Night I was, nobody could tell me differently.

Beetle knows this all to well. I forced her to be my audience on more than one occasion. (Thanks Beets, I know I may have scarred you, but you were a trooper).

I have no idea how many times I’ve seen The Bodyguard, but perhaps it’s telling that I can recite the whole movie. I would also eat my apples by peeling each layer off with a knife, just like Tony.

Dangerous? Maybe.

I hear that in 2011, Warner Bros. announced a remake that will update the story to reflect the world of the Internet; in which sites such as Twitter, Google Maps and countless other sites makes access to celebrities easier than ever.

Boo. Remakes make me want to poke my eyes out.

 

In the end, I know Whitney had one too many rocks de la crack. But, that doesn’t keep me from popping in my favorite guilty pleasure motion picture.

After all Frank Farmer would want us to open up a fresh bottle of orange juice add vodka and celebrate the better days.

 

How will I know and I wanna dance with somebody,

Swan

 

 

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who dares cross it?

Flashback Friday

“Oh no Blue! If you fall into the river the anacondas might eat you. But don’t worry I’ll tell Nancy you died a gallant death. I’ll also grab your share of the red rubies and bring them down to that sweet pawn shop in Vegas.”

Still confused? Here’s a refresher:

I must admit, I played this game a lot (and by played I mean set up all of the pieces and then repeatedly pressed down on the scary jeweled man’s head in order to make the bridge shake).

Oh Forbidden Bridge you may be geared towards ages 7 and up, but thankfully your not narrow-minded enough to put an age limit on the fun you bring. Also, you may have been produced circa 1992, which to many would mean you are no spring chicken, however to me that’s only two years after Home Alone. Need I say more.

Explorers and Canoes,

Swan

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beauty parlor: a place where women curl up and dye

I remember as a little girl seeing certain things on television and in magazines that I wanted. I truly believed that the WB had shows that were appropriate, and that Cosmopolitan magazine had great articles.  I was mesmerized by the fact that using Pantene Pro-V would make my hair look beautiful, and who knew that Neutrogena zapped zits like Wayne Szalinski’s top-secret shrinking machine.

As the years go by I find myself reflecting back to my younger years and realizing how influenced I actually was, and I’m kind of embarrassed.

However, if we can have  real talk for a moment:

The burden on women to look and act in certain ways is so acutely ingrained in our unconscious  that it’s easy to overlook the influence popular media has on how we feel about ourselves and our bodies. Inevitably we absorb the persistent message that such beauty is the norm and required.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I say F- that.

In the early part of the 20th century, women were struggling for independence and to flee the injustices of the Victorian era.  The classical standard of beauty was still very much thriving and people attempted to achieve a traditional fair-skinned and well-rounded figure. If Casper was a girl, his milkshakes would bring all the boys to the yard.

Now, one out of every four television commercials sends out some sort of message about attractiveness. There was also a study done that documented the negative effect of viewing music videos with thin women in them. Furthermore, 80% of women who answered a People magazine survey responded that images of women on television and in the movies make them feel insecure. Oddly enough, actresses Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz, and singer Diana Ross all meet the Body Mass Index physical criteria for Anorexia.

If only Vivian Ward watched Cupcake Wars.

 

So why write this? I don’t know. Call it a rant, call it a soapbox, call it lame. But I think it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes women find themselves wishing they could lose 10 more pounds, or have shiny hair, or smaller feet, or the desire to wear something besides their polka dot robe on Sundays.

Either way I want to be less annoyed when my hair frizzes, my face breaks out, my jeans don’t fit, and my desire for enchiladas outweighs my desire for salad.

Nene Leakes once wisely said, ” I am a 10. I probably could go down to a size 8. But I don’t feel like it. Guess why? Because I’m fuckin’ hungry.”

Amen.

Now you must excuse me, chocolate has officially become my homegirl.

 

Tummy rolls and bread bowls,

Swan

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