i do

I am knee deep in wedding season.

I love weddings! The flowers, the music, the food….oh and the booze…

I may or may not have eaten one too many crab cakes, that then may or may not have resulted in my dress literally ripping off of me.

Hulking out at it’s finest.

I don’t care. That deliciously breaded concoction from the sea was worth my soon to be meeting with a tailor to replace said zipper….I mean the zipper I may or may not have to replace.

Garters and Veils,
Swan

Tagged , ,

we don’t need no stinking badges

This place knows nothing of Facebook, cell phones, or MAC foundation.

Who am I to go against the grain.

 
Hey, Smalls, you wanna s’more?
Some more of what?
No, do you wanna s’more?
I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
You’re killing me Smalls!

Outhouses and Mosquitos,
Swan

Tagged , , , , ,

pumpkin, chickadee, and chubbs

Well it’s been a while. I’ve been livin’ la vida loca Ricky Martin style and haven’t had a chance to post.  However, there are more important things to discuss.

Exhibit 1:

Honey Boo Boo has her own show, and like a car wreck I can’t turn away. I’ve watched three episodes and so far Honey Boo Boo has gotten a pet pig named Glitzy, received an ultra sound of her belly, made a redneck water slide with a tarp, and participated in a mud pit belly flop contest.

It’s pure genius.

June, her mother, also itches her fleas at one point. You can’t make this shit up. It reminds me of the first season of Jersey Shore. That season was so amazing because they were so ridiculous and they were oblivious that people were laughing at them, not with them. I likened it to a show about gay men in the middle of San Francisco. But, I’ll settle for a show about rednecks in the south.

Exhibit 2:

All I’m going to say is ‘am I the only person who thinks perhaps this woman wasn’t the best spokesperson?’ I have a co-worker who believes one eye is larger than the other, whereas I just believe she talks funny.

Call me critical, and let’s just leave it at that.

Fleas and Pleas,

Swan

Tagged , ,

my inner goddess says ‘oh my’

I realized that I never posted any of my statue of liberty pictures. The shame.

Or my graduation. Double shame.

My current playlist titled “July 2012”, for obvious reasons, is as follows:

It’s Time – Imagine Dragons
Ho Hey – The Lumineers
Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men
Even if it Breaks a Heart – Eli Young Band
Give Your Heart a Break – Demi Lovato
As Long as You Love Me – Justin Bieber
Above the Water – Rocky Votolato
Take a Walk (The M Machine Remix) – Passion Pit
Lost in My Mind – The Head and the Heart
Gold on the Ceiling – The Black Keys
Hold On – Alabama Shakes

…yes I am an equal opportunity employer.

Current Dislikes:
– The winner of Design Star
– The fact that I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey

Oh and this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Current Likes:
– The winner of Food Network Star
– The fact that I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey

Oh and this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Worlds most random post? Perhaps. But I’m sure I’ll outdo myself in the future.

Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey,
Swan

Tagged , , , ,

what happens in vegas stays in vegas

….unless you write it down and post it to the internet.

 

Las Vegas is a glorious place to go if you are attempting to completely transform into a total jackass.

Is that statement a little bold? Let me explain.

 

While on “the strip” I concluded that I was in a land of broken dreams and irresponsible life choices.

Life choice #1 – Baking in the sun while lounging next to some overpriced hotel.

Who doesn’t want to get skin cancer and spend $16 on a drink while listening to the Real Housewives of Las Vegas yell at their husbands in the shallow end of a pool that I’m sure every 7-year old peed in?

Life choice #2 – Drinking too much, too often.

Who doesn’t want a liver transplant and a series of blackout moments followed by day of hangover symptoms? Which then can only be cured by having another drink…or so I’m told.

Life choice #3 – Wearing heels and clothes that are too small.

Back problems and body suffocation are direct results of the above actions. Sure these items are a good idea in theory, but I have yet to find a woman who would rather wear this than some sneakers and a sweatshirt. I believe this is self inflicted pain as well because I’m certain no one cares how defined our calves are.

Life choice #4 – Spending too much money on things you don’t need.

Gambling has a support group for a reason. However, buying a water bottle for $5 could also send someone into a downward spiral, along with $18 tacos, and $40 pictures taken with the men from Thunder from Down Under.

Life choice #5 – Not getting enough sleep

Sleep is the only thing that makes people function normally, take it away and your likelihood of doing any of the other poor life choices listed above is exponentially increased.

 

Which brings me to the hard evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Me: Enjoys lathering up with SPF 50 while sitting in the sun for approximately 2 hours

Vegas Me: Soaked up an overcast sky for 6 hours with a meager singular application of SPF 30

 

Real Me: Hits the hay at 9pm

Vegas Me: 2 to 4am was my bitch

 

Real Me: Two alcoholic beverages and I am Done-zel Washington

Vegas Me: I’d be willing to bet a half bottle of Vodka was consumed….within an hour

 

Real Me: Buys a comfy pillow-top for my mattress and meticulously washes my sheets

Vegas Me: Throws up all over mattresses that then need to be replaced by hotel maid staff

 

Real Me: Despises roast beef

Vegas Me: Ordered the Beef and Cheddar sandwich, swallowed it whole, and then wondered when my taste buds had changed so drastically

 

Real Me: Wears Old Navy flip flops…. how can you beat a shoe that cost less than some packets of gum

Vegas Me: Wore  heels on the regular while dancing to hip hop I’d never heard

 

Real Me: Goes to bars occasionally

Vegas Me: Got kicked out of Tao for trying to sleep in a stairwell

 

Real Me: Consumes soda from a McDonald’s straw

Vegas Me: Consumes vodka from a phallic straw

 

Real Me: Watches shows on Fox Family (omg can you believe we still don’t know who A is on PLL!)

Vegas Me: Watches Thunder from Down Under while critiquing the aussies dance moves….*ahem* not other things.

 

 

No I didn’t lose a tooth, steal a tiger, or marry a stripper. However, Vegas and I shall be parting from our partying ways.

I’ll only return to soberly see Celine perform My Heart Will Go On at Caesar’s Palace while wearing jeans.

 

 

Bottle Service and Maid Service,

Swan

 

Tagged , , , , ,

red. white. blue.

Fourth of July in Las Vegas was filled with fireworks, smoked ribs, whipped cream liquor, and family. Be jealous.







Roman Candles and Margaritas,
Swan

Tagged , ,

caulk wagon and float it across

This past Saturday the Beetle and I went for a intense run leisurely walk by the river. This was especially fun for us because we used to live by the river.

See doesn’t that look peaceful? Now imagine sidewalks, apartment buildings, and a few pieces of trash.

 

I used to run this river path often so I felt the need to be a tour guide for the Beetle. I commented on the “old man” who would water his roses religiously, the Hispanic clan who’d play soccer in their apartment parking lot, and the drug dealers who  lived behind my old apartment.

This clearly is an upstanding part of town. 

My suggestion for withstanding similar living arrangements is a) grow a pair, b) take some Karate lessons from Mr. Miyagi.

(Warning: You may have to paint a fence or wash cars)

More importantly, Beetle and I used to live right on the river. Or as we liked to call it… Bum Mecca.

My two favorite bums were:

1) Cat man – a man who rode his bike around with all of his shit attached to the back of it. His cat would sit on top of his piles, balancing like a tight rope walker. What a loyal feline.

2) Skirt Man – It’s like it sounds. Except skirt man would appear in all different places and he would never talk, just stare. Creepy? Perhaps if he wasn’t wearing a skirt.

This past Saturday the Beetle and I saw Skirt Man again! However, he was sans skirt and had rather impressive luggage. Good for him!

 

Anyway, this blast from the past made me reminisce about river memories.

 

1) My first river memory involves a frantic call from the Beetle late at night (I happened to not be at the apartment, maybe I was in the middle of a tv show marathon, maybe not).

After a while I started to gather what had happened to her. She was enjoying a leisurely evening at home on the couch. The sliding glass door was open, allowing for a glorious summer breeze. She had noticed a rather sketchy character passing the walkway outside our apartment door, but thought nothing of it, this is river territory after all. Weirdos were a dime a dozen. Anyway, unexpectedly this man came up to the screen door (open to allow for the glorious breeze mind you) and started masturbating. Understandably, the Beetle jumped to her feet and slammed the glass door not on any appendages. She called the unhelpful police to report her horrific endeavor, and then called me presumably to give me a good laugh. How thoughtful.

2) My next river memory involves a detour I had to take to get to my apartment.

I was upset that I had to take this round about way to my apartment just because the street closest to it was closed. Later I found out it was closed because they found a body. I was unaware I lived near a filming of CSI.

3) My last river memory involves me on a run.

This one is short. At the end of my run I had the pleasure of witnessing a homeless man (not Cat Man or Skirt Man) shitting into a plastic bag. I get it. Your options are limited.  

I hope I’m painting this river picture for you Bob Ross style. Lots of happy trees and a feeling that you could jump right in and live there.

No?

Well whatever, suit yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, the river is a nice place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

Unless you enjoy cats and wear skirts. Check.

But also enjoy the possibility of stumbling upon a corpse while stepping in shit. Uncheck.

Rivers and Riff Raff,

Swan

p.s. Don’t Google bums. I’ve sufficiently warned you.

Tagged , ,

how do you solve a problem like….Maria?

Ok, I’ve got something to say.

Roofing sucks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know it may seem like I dropped off the face of this earth. You wouldn’t be wrong. But believe me I wasn’t having a grand ole time. I wasn’t on vacation, and I wasn’t caught up in an 80’s movie marathon. I was doing the following:

1) Cleaning up an entire roof that my husband removed and shoved to the ground. Because of this the following also happened:

a) I needed to pull rusty nails from my flip flops. Yep, flip flops. Judge me.

b) My body was coated in what I like to call “an exfoliating granual.” This coating literally needed to be scrubbed off on a nightly basis, especially when SPF 50 acted as an unintended adhesive.

c) Nights passed with no dinner. This never happens to me. I’m always the person who wonders how people can forget to eat. Apparently I’m a hypocrite.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Onto another topic…

2) It was discovered that our roof base was inadequate and required a lot of reinforcement in order to actually hold people. Meaning these reinforcements needed to be completed before any roofing could actually commence. Twiddle thumbs now.

3) The paint man at Home Depot sold me indoor paint when I specifically said I needed outdoor paint….twice. Then we proceeded to paint all facial boards with indoor paint before we noticed. I blame Eleanor. She must have distracted him with her cuteness.

4) We had to rent nail guns because we nail things here, we don’t staple them. For the duration of time we had them we could have bought them. Good times.

5) My sweet angel dog (not the pug) bite my uncle three times.

6) During all of this I also worked a summer camp….for small ungrateful children. The following can be assumed based on this camp experience:

a) Risk is a horribly inappropriate game and no one should play it.

b) Sponge Bob Square Pants is kind of like Jesus. Everyone shuts up and listens to him.

c) Kids lose things….constantly….and then blame it on everyone around them.

d) Cake and Cocoa Puffs are not a suitable dinner.

e) Younger children hate to walk in the sun. Nay, younger children hate to walk.

 

7) I haven’t had a day off since June 3rd. My next day off will be June 23rd.

8) I had to change my e-mail password because somehow it got hacked….and I was too busy to notice. I had to be informed by my wedding photographer on Facebook.

 
someecards.com - I'm glad we're back in touch ever since I was spammed by your hacked email account.

Ok, enough. The point has been made.

Here are some positives from the past few weeks:

1) No one fell off the roof.

2) Children didn’t Vanish at summer camp like on Beth Holloway’s show.

3) I didn’t get sunburn (the same can’t be said for others).

 

I’m ready for some relaxation time. Soon we’ll be off to Vegas where I plan to drink lots of Sonic, eat lots of Jason’s Deli, and generally sweat my worries away.

Roofs and Risk,

Swan

Tagged , ,

a pair of sandwiches could single-handedly eliminate world hunger

Here’s the view from Top of the Rock in New York…

Pretty neat right? I was a big fan.

Ok, I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I went to Carnegie Deli in New York.

This place was recommended by my elderly best friend on the train ride from Philadelphia.

This place is no joke. To back track for a second, everywhere you go in New York rushes you. When you are a person that looks to make educated decisions and take your time, this can be incredibly frustrating. Carnegie Deli was no exception. We both frantically picked a sandwich completely naive and with no direction. I knew something was terribly wrong when we had to pay in cash and the bill was around $50….for two sandwiches. I felt like we had just made an illegal drug deal.

Were the sandwiches covered in gold sesame seeds and blessed by the Dalai Lama?

For that price they better be.

We were handed a large industrial strength bag filled with our sandwiches. Once we opened the butcher paper cradling our sandwiches our mouthes gapped in horror…

 

Biggest. Sandwiches. Ever.

We weren’t paying for gold encrusted seasoning, we were paying for entire animals, 3 blocks of cheese, and an entire loaf of bread.

After we force fed ourselves like the little boy in Matilda…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…we begrudgingly went back to our hotel to nap.

I did not have a cupcake this day, Carnegie Deli was like an uninvited lap band surgery.

Pastrami and Pickles,

Swan

Tagged , , , ,

it’s a crime that there are no pictures, forgive me

I’m feeling slightly old right now.

This morning I woke up to this “Blog Tag” game. I was having flashbacks to 7th grade e-mails where these types of lists would flood your inbox from all across the land or from the friends in your class. Here goes nothing.

Rules:

1.  You must post the rules obviously

2.  Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post

3.  Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged

4.  Tag eleven people with a link to your post

5.  Let them know you tagged them

Here are the questions posted by I Can’t High Five and my much-anticipated answers:

What’s one city in the world that you’ve always wanted to visit and why?

I guess I’ve always wanted to visit a city in Germany like Munich. However, my recent trip to New York has caused me to swear off all international vacations…at least for a while.

What is your biggest fear?

Easy. My biggest fear is falling on my face and knocking a tooth out. I am constantly checking my teeth to make sure they are still in tip-top shape, as well as avoiding slippery surfaces or uneven pavement. It’s a hard knock life.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. I certainly believe in ghosts, but I believe I haven’t seen one because of the following facts: a) I think ghosts know I would literally pass out and die from fear if they appeared in front of me, b) I sleep with earplug in and my vision is that of a 90-year-old with cataracts

What is your guilty pleasure?

Well this changes all the time, but currently my guilty pleasure is watching re-runs of Vanished with Beth Holloway on Lifetime, while I drink Leinenkugel’s Berry Weiss, and play Family Feud on my iPad. I realize this statement may cause some people to feel bad for me. Fear not, I am pleased as punch with my free time choices.

If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what animal would it be?

A baby pig. I feel like this needs no explanation.

Are you a dog or a cat person?

Dog. I feel like this needs no explanation either.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

I’ve thought about this a great deal. I would want a superpower that allowed me to snap my fingers or spin around and then Bam! I’m somewhere else. This would allow me to travel for free, remove myself from scary or uncomfortable situations immediately, and eliminate expenses like car insurance.

What’s your favourite song of all time?

Oh shit, this is hard. I can’t answer this, I’m pleading the fifth.

When you were young, what did you plan to be when you grew up?

A ballerina. Then I found chocolate cake.

Chips and salad or roast potatoes and vegetables?

Chips and salad seems like an odd meal, so I’ll have to go with roast potatoes and vegetables.

If you won a million dollars, what would you do/buy first?

I’d buy a house outright. No mortgage for life would be sweet!

Ok, so I suppose I make 11 questions now…

What was the first concert you ever went to?

What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

Have you ever been on tv?

If someone wrote a book about your life, what would they title it?

Would you rather have super strength or super intelligence?

What’s your favorite website?

Where would you bury your treasure if you had some?

What’s your favorite room in your house?

What’s your favorite holiday?

Can you speak another language?

What’s your favorite ice cream topping?

 

Lastly, like the horribly traumatizing game of kickball, it’s hard for me to pick people to tag because frankly most of the people who read my blog are my own family. Shout out! So sorry, but you are being tagged. The rest of you are super cool too, I think…because honestly I’ve never met you.

The Fruity Chicken

The Eff Stop

Classic Confusion

Childhood Relived

Aimless Last Words

Ok…that’s it…I can’t come up with 11 because I don’t even read that many blogs because I’m too busy watching Lifetime while creating my own survival plan in case I get kidnapped.

Questions and Quotas,

Swan

Tagged
%d bloggers like this: